Detroits New "Frown Fine" Is Sure To Make It's Citizens Privately Unhappy

FINE THAT MAN!!!!

. DETROIT - Today Detroits mayor David Bing enacted a bill passed last week by the Detroit City Council. With all nine members voting yes on the bill you'd think it was a popular piece of legislation with overwhelming support from the cities residents. It is not. 

The bill is titled " The Morale Obstruction Fine", more commonly known as the "The Frown Fine". It gives the city of Detroit the ability to fine any person within city limits who isn't smiling , laughing with joy over their current position in life or giving a big thumbs up. 

 We spoke with Darrel Seigfried, a local government enthusiast who's been following city council legislation for two decades. He had this to say. 

" Finally this hobby has paid off!!!! Twenty-three fucking years and not a single publication has asked me a fucking question and now look who's in the hot seat. Wonder what the press office for the Lions is up to today? I'll tell you what they're not doing anymore, thinking they're better than me. And now onto the topic of this new fine.  

Those of us who have been following local government here in Detroit knew something like this was coming. The more the people in charge have done the deeper into it's hole Detroit has gone. It was only a matter of time before they did something drastic like this". 

The bill claims to solve two problems at once. The city is deep in debt so enacting a fine for something so commonly used as a frown will bring in alot of money. The city also has a large problem with morale and high suicide rate.  

I know as a reporter I'm supposed to refrain from expressing personal opinions within my own news report, but I think this new rule is fantastic. Today I drove past a ten year old boys funeral and seeing his family laugh and smile over his dead body for fear of legal repercussion from the city really livened up the occasion. Seeing Detroits 18,000 homeless laugh and smile the day away really reminds one of the cheery, likable hobo you used to see in early Disney cartoons. Whatever happened to that? 

And just before returning to my hotel to write this article I was mugged by what was literally the nicest man I've ever met. His smile worked the money from my pocket much more effectively that his switch blade. 

So there you have it. Detroits real problem wasn't seventy percent of it's industry leaving it within a single ten year period, it was it's negative population. The people were just being dicks. But city government has fixed that and undoubtedly saved the city. Is there anything local government isn't effective at? I'm fucking serious answer that question. 

UPDATE: Detroits Mayor has found another way to raise money by officially changing his name to David Sponsored By Bing.   

Z. A. Aycock 

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: Zombie Spaceship Wasteland by Patton Oswalt

This week I've been asked to review Zombie Spaceship Wasteland by comedian Patton Oswalt. The comedic prowess Patton Oswalt displays on stage is just as powerful in written word. This has been well known for years as Mr. Oswalt has written dozens of articles online, for various sites. Each of the articles have been popular, and funny. But the transition from twelve paragraph, guest articles online to this 208 page semi biographical book could prove to be a bit of a challenge for Oswalt.

I'll never know, cause I have no plans on reading this pamphlet ( you want me to call it a book you make it longer than 208 pages).

I like Patton Oswalt, but why can't he stick to stand-up? Did he really need to be in book form? I Don't think so. The day I pay too much money just to chuckle at a semi humorous, 8 hour long work of unnecessary entertainment is the day I see Larry the cable guy live.

I've never read a book written by a comedian. I've never seen an Author do stand-up comedy. I expect Patton Oswalt to be as good at writing as J. D. Salinger would be at making a crowd of drunks and hipsters laugh. Although the idea of a George Orwell ventriloquist act excites me to no end. Ooh, or "The night of a million impressions" with H. P  Lovecraft.

And can someone please explain to me why Patton Oswalt can write a book while simultaneously writting a completely different hour of stand-up comedy every year, but Carlos Mencia has to steal the ten minutes of hack comedy he's been doing since 1992? Why be a comedian if you suck that bad?

I'd like to read a Carlos Mencia book. I think it would be called Hola, A Tale Of Two Mexican Cities Essay. It's basically just A Tale Of Two Cities word for word except the protagonists name is Jose.

The cover of Zombie Spaceship Wasteland looks like a check list for all three topics. When the book arrived I grabbed a pin, checked all the boxes and wrote above "shit I don't want to read about". Ok, I didn't really do that. I threw it away as soon as I saw what it was.

I'm pretty sure my garbage man is reading all of the Reviewsday books I've been throwing away. When I brought in the trash bin  yesterday there was a note pined to it that said...

Alright. But can you pick up some more young adult stuff? You know, something a thirteen year old girl tied to a pipe in a wooden shack might want to read in between soul cleansings. 

So there you have it Inquisitive Online. Send some young adult stuff a thirteen year old girl tied to a pipe in a wooden shack might want to read in between soul cleansings. Oh, and also a shitload of police.

I think we're done here. But let me remind you that October is Pre-Pushkin poetic Literature Month. So whip out your Ushanka's, bake some Okranshka  and snuggle up with your favorite Pre-Pushkin poetry. Like I had to tell you.


T. C. Beverly

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: A Million Little Pieces

A Million Little Pieces was billed as the autobiography of author James Fray. For the three years it served a his  autobiography it was a critical smash hit. The book itself contains stories of drug addiction, police brutality and of course redemption after entering into a twelve-step program for drug and alcohol abuse. For three years it was a New York Times best-seller. James Fray even got to meet Oprah, who claimed to have been inspired by the story. The only problem is, none of it was true. Though this may no longer useful as a historical account, meant to inspire and change lives, A Million Little Pieces is a fascinating look behind the mind of a liar and the not so dependable vetting process of major publishing companies, in this case Random House.

I know what you're thinking. Is Inquisitive Online so lame that they would send me an eight year old book that served as a mild controversy five years ago? Yes. But they didn't choose to send it to me, I asked to review A Million Little Pieces.

Not so I could read it ( I didn't) but so I could talk about fake shit, and peoples problem with it. Fucking hypocrites. If this book were tits or an orgasm America would be totally fine with it's supposed lack of authenticity.

My thing is, I am absolutely not ok with lying. Not a good quality because a man is only as good as his word. Maybe i only say this because I'm really bad at it. I get all sweaty and shaky and I feel like puking. My body just rejects the option of lying about things. So I'm not a fan of other folks doing it.

However, if you are going to do it, at least have it be worthwhile. This IS a book after all. So not everyone expects everything in it to be true. It's as if it were entertainment media.

I never understood why people feel the need to call out things being fake on television or in books. Like people who say,

"Reality tv isn't reality"

Guess what, you're right! Shuks! Because guess what? No one wants to watch a show about how your wife secretly hates you and regrets your children. Bottom line. They wanna see Bo and Luke duke get stuck in a ditch while under the pursuit of boss hog, or whatever is relevant on tv now a days.

One thing for me, I'm a fan of professional wrestling. No one else has to be, but I am. Shouldn't say anything about my intelligence or who I am as a person, because I choose to be entertained by a certain product. Same goes for, believe it or not, guilty pleasure Jersey Shore. If you haven't given the show a chance, you just dislike it based on hearsay, chances are you're part of the problem. You're the ones that take life and reality too seriously, yet have the nerve to complain about reality tv.

Some programing, or honestly all of it, doesn't deserve to be and shouldn't be taken seriously, i.e a Jersey Shore. You just watch the antics and think, "theres no way they're serious!" I'll spare details and examples of excerpts from the show, but it is entertainment. And its working for someone because its still on. as long as there are ratings, and someone is entertained, its sticking. Unfortunately, I suppose. The point is it's entertainment. It's artistic expression. so who are we to say what is and isn't good. If it produces well, so be it. If it doesn't, maybe the people aren't ready for it.

 And as far as wrestling goes, it entertains me. I'm not asking it to entertain anyone else as long as it entertains me, and those who appreciate it too, leave us to our fun source. You don't need to throw around the proven history that there is an aspect of it that is fake. Spoiler alert, and this is where i bring my point back to home plate: THE MAJORITY OF ENTERTAINMENT IS FAKE! IF YOU THINK ANYTHING STEPHANIE MEYERS WRITES IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY, I HOPE YOU DEVELOP FELINE AIDS! Fuck me, that's two articles in a row I've mentioned that bitch.

So don't TELL me about how a headlock is useless, Ross and Rachael didn't really get married. Don't TELL me about how someone writes the script for those wrestlers. Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt didn't really have a baby at the end of Mad About You.

Let me have my entertainment, and I'll let you have yours. If my entertainment involves strangers in underwear lying to me, so be it. I'm alot like plenty of teen moms in America in that sense.

 On that note, going back to the book, it was labeled to be true, yes, he did outright lie, however, it's literature.

The biggest issue Oprah had was looking like a fool on national television. It's when you people are fooled is when it's not ok to do the fooling. Once you're the goat suddenly its wrong, and it's hypocritical and ridiculous. Lets focus on the bigger issues. Plenty have lied for much worse and gotten off scott free, if not rewarded in some way.

I know we can say, we rewarded him by making him a best seller for 3 years, but really, its us...well, you guys, because I didn't buy it, but it's you guys being punished, somewhat for being gullible. However, its the most positive punishment ever because at the end of the day, were you not entertained by the book? Whether its lies or not, you're interesting in the story (I assume).

Hell, they got the attention of Oprah F. Winfrey (the F is for fuckin'). There must be SOMETHING there. Not saying all the books in that stupid hen house she calls a book club are all gold, but she's got a big enough name to gain real recognition.

And one last note, I will say, way to get caught though, guy. Seriously? There's a saying (I think it's a saying. If it's not, trademark me),

"you don't get a ticket for speeding, you get a ticket for pulling over."

 Just saying. Whether you give yourself in or not... rookie mistake. ..... So yeah, I'm done here. And that's the truth.


T. C. Beverly

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: World War Z

Max Brooks follows up his semi-successful zombie book, The Zombie Survival Guide, with the massive hit, World War Z. Brooks opts for a first person narrative in this book, making the writing much more fluid and natural than the previous book. It is worth mentioning that Max Brooks is son of comedy legend Mel Brooks, the influence can be felt in Max's constant poke at society through ludacris situational comedy. The book sales have been on a steady rise since the film adaptation, made by Brad Pitts film company and staring Pitt, has been closer and closer to release.

I don't know where to start. Ok, lets get the fact that I haven't read the book out of the way. But where do I go from there? Do I talk about this spoiled rich boy getting a book deal because of his last name or do I talk about this dumbass zombie craze?

Can I just say that a zombie outbreak is not a world destroying problem. They move two miles an hour, they're already falling apart and they can't open doors. What's the problem here? Here's how a real zombie apocalypse goes.

" OH NO THERE'S A ZOMBIE!!!! There, I killed it. Now the world isn't going to end."

THAT'S ALL THAT HAS TO HAPPEN!!!!!

And maybe I'm being unfair about how Richie Rich here got a book deal. I'll be honest, his pitch about zombies may have gotten him somewhere because people apparently love hearing about the same bullshit over and over again depending how dumb it is. For example. There is a Chuck Norris fact book.

"He once kicked a horse in the jaw and its ancestors are known as giraffes."

THAT IS A BOOK!.....FILLED WITH THAT BULLSHIT!

And don't get me started on Harry Potter. By the way, male witches aren't wizards or sorcerers, they're called faggots. Hey, I'm a boy in a dress with a wand, with another dude and a girl. I think it may have been about timing, which is why things take off in the first place.

Harry, Hermoine and Ron became popular around the same time as Ash, Brock and Misty, only difference is, THE PUBLIC CHOSE TO KEEP THE GAYER OF THE TWO! How are we the nation freaking out over gays being in the army and the nation that paid over  $379,245,610 to see gay as hell Harry Potter 8?

By the way, I can tell you from personal experience, no homo, there have been gays in the military for  a long time. I won't discuss if it's a choice or not, but I'm pretty sure in a macho, testosterone filled environment like basic training you'd try to hide it. Some cats seem incapable of that. Just saying. One "eww" away from doing sit ups into someones butt...on purpose.

LEMME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU! Magic is lame, little Japanese monsters being carried around in balls in your pocket is awesome.

If it's not, its cooler than that Muslim Jihad shit that wizards yell to make apples disappear or whatever the fuck magic is actually used for. And why are they not looked at as the enemy for that? Imagine THAT headline: "Harry potter arrested for initial 9/11 corroboration/conspiracy".

Yo aycock, I'm working your section AND mine. I'd ask for double pay but....I'm almost on another tangent. ...whatever happened to genies? That's the closest thing I need to magic. Not some boy mumbling dumb shit. ...I digress( and vampires, don't even get me started). I've learned that America, and honestly, the world as a whole has a taste for the bottom....which is why my articles are acceptable.

If it weren't for bad taste, we'd have no taste at all.

World War Z may not be that bad....maybe it is, I don't know. Doesn't peak my interest but apparently the world likes dumb shit. However, if its dumb on a genius level, Snakes On a Plane, no appreciation. .... I can go on forever. Read it, don't read it, I gives a fuck. Point is, max brooks is a guy working his hustle and I'd do the same, dammit. I'm done.

...got me up here summarizing and suggesting books like I'm Levar Burton or some shit. Wrong black guy, asshole.

5000.

T. C. Beverly

Marcus Bachmann Raped For The 127th Time In Same Hotel Room, By The Same Puerto Rican Man.

Police Sketch of Suspect

Minnesota - Today Inquisitive Online got a familiar E-mail from the Washington County Sheriff  Department who got a familiar dispatch from Lake Elmo 9-1-1 who got a familiar call from hotel clerk Rishiid Peran. I'm sure you know what I'm Talking about by now.

That's right. For the 127th time, Dr. Marcus L. Bachmann has been raped in room 12B of the Lake Elmo Holiday Inn.

It seems that not even Holiday Inns are safe anymore.  Once again the middle aged Puerto Rican serial rapist, responsible for assaulting Mr. Bachmann 126 other times, the first dating all the way back to Marcus' first year in college, has done it again. Unbelievable. I can not believe it.

Fed up with Washington County Police Departments inability to catch the monster who has hurt him time and time again, Marcus Bachmann sat down with me and gave an exhausting description of the perpetrator in hopes that one of our reader could help.

I met with Dr. Bachmann at his home in Stillwater, MN. The man I saw was much different from the saucy, sassy and dare I say electric Marcus Bachmann we're used to seeing saunter around America with his wife Michelle. This Marcus Bachmann was saucy, sassy and yes I dare say it again, electric, but sitting down. Wrapped in a blanket and still recovering from number 127.

Still the perfect gentlemen, Marcus offered a BJ ( black jalapeno ), some HJ ( hot jambalaya) and a frottage ( ? ). We got straight to business as he described his attacker. The following Is Mr. Bachmann's exact, in depth description. Take it away Marcus.

"My attacker is about twenty-two even though he swears he's forty-five. Yeah right.

He's Puerto Rican, but not in a scary way. He's got a non-scary Puerto Rican face, Greek biceps, Chilean chest muscles, Argentinean abs, a Bolivian Buttock and frisky Hispanic hands.

He's 6 foot 2 inches of pure muscular terror. He would look good with a mustache but won't grow one because HE'S STUBBORN! I may or may not have heard him mention a shitty wife who doesn't appreciate him or love him the way she should be loved.

He's got brown eyes, brown hair and brown skin. He looks like a chocolate sculpture of Paul Walker. Meanwhile look at me. I look like a white chocolate sculpture of Angela Merkel."

He kind of Does.

"Listen, I just want this man brought to justice. I want to be able to go to that hotel room at the two in the afternoon on a Tuesday by myself without having  a mad man force hot, passionate, ground shaking rape on me. Is this too much to ask?"

I don't think it is Mr. Bachmann. I want to live in a country where all hotels are rape free. But sadly that's not the country we live in. Thanks alot Obama-care.


UPDATE: John Travolta assaulted by same Puerto Rican man. Marcus Bachmann furious.



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: In my time: A Personal and Political Memoir by Dick Cheney

Just a year after George W. Bush released his memoir Decision Points, Cheney has released his memoir In My Time. The book is filled with alot of the same stories, but from a much less apologetic standpoint. Cheney has long been a controversial figure, and this book was just the catalyst the media has been waiting for to fully flesh out the controversy. It seems like the books mission isn't to inform the reader, but rather to evoke an emotion from the reader, whether it be bad or good.

"Good work". Apparently you saw that I listed Cheney as one of my heroes on Facebook. I actually read the book this time, thus a testament to the fact that I appreciate the thought and your efforts.

Cheney is one of my heroes, but it has nothing to do with his policies or political views. He's my hero because he makes hippies really, really mad.

This guy makes hacky-sackers angrier than a storm drain in the middle of a community college parking lot. He's more of a "downer" to the flower children than being epileptic at a Jefferson Airplane laser light show. For eight years he was the cause of all frowns in San Francisco.

Now all the frowns in San Francisco are caused by Sean Penn and his attempts to bring back the "Human Be-in Festival". Even those smelly bastards were like, "Listen rain man....dial it down a little."

Since I was a teen, making hippies unhappy has been a hobby of mine. I've stolen the bike racks from every Whole Foods I've ever lived near. I've handed out regular brownies at Phish concert. My greatest feat to date was getting a vegan girl pregnant and then guilting her into keeping it.  (NOTE: remember to remove this sentence before posting.)

 Hippies have been on my hitlist since I was a child. When I went to my baby sitter's house her older, hippy sister, who thought I was a "cool lil' dude", would come over and try to high-five me. But I would reject her high fives, even at the tender age of 4. If you try to touch me and you smell like beans, I'm going to ignore you. If you persist, you would be lucky if I don't punch you square in the face. After all of her high-fives attempts she would force an embrace on me, where my face was constantly scratched by her fat stubbly walrus like arms and orangutan arm pits.

In any case, In My Time is a suggested read from me. If you don't want to read it for the hippy hate(because you love PBR/sucking buttholes), surely you can look to find plenty of hate and other hilarity in Mr. Cheney's audacity to write an actual book. Seriously!? Honestly, that's all i was going to post for this article was the words "really!? ...Serious? He has a boo....What!? Who would.....WHY would......REEEEALLLY!?". But I do suggest it. Live, learn, laugh, hate hippies.



T. C. Beverly

Scientist Discovers Platypus-Bodied Duck

Terrorist?

There are some very strange creatures on this planet of ours. Like Lions. But lions are only the tip of the oddball iceberg that is our animal kingdom.  Like, have you noticed that bears, dogs and seals all have the same face? What's going on there. They're like the Javier Bardem / Jeffery Dean Morgan's of nature.

Well as of today nature strikes again. Last week Zoologist, Dr. Jeffery Helbig, was on an expedition in Australia. He was studying the effect of "placing dry land lizards into wetland areas" or as other scientists have called it, drowning lizards. While he was drowning those lizards he made an amazing find.

Dr. Helbig has discovered a new species of duck with a black bill, water resistant fur and a platypus body. He's taken to calling the animal a " Platypus-bodied Duck". He says he chose the name because he doesn't like it when people are able to say the names of animals three times fast.

"I was working with my lizards" says Dr. Helbig, "when all of the sudden one of the ducks emerged from the water. It scared the shit out of the desert lizards and one of them almost drowned early. "

Dr. Helbig says aside from it's body the platypus-bodied duck is just like every other duck. It lays eggs, spends most of it's day in the water and looks adorable in a blue sailors uniform. But when placed amongst other ducks, the other ducks don't react well. It's sort of an ugly duckling situation. Goddamn racist ducks.

Dr. Helbig later tried an experiment where he had the platypus-bodied duck raise a Buffleheaded duckling. But instead of raising the duckling it immediately smothered it under it's own weight. Dr. Helbig also found that platypus-bodied ducks will eat desert lizards.

Luckily, before Dr. Helbig could begin his "effects on placing wetland platypus-bodied ducks in the desert" experiment the Australian government took the duck-billed platypus and placed it in one of it's national wetland reserves.

And that's as happy an ending as anyone can expect in Australia. A crazy zoologist didn't abandon you in the desert. Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi! Oi! Oi!


Z. A. Aycock

Millions of republicans asphyxiate after Obama endorses oxygen

Terrorist?

Charlotte - By now I'm sure there's no detail I could report that the reader isn't already aware of, so consider this to be more of a historical record than a news article.

Earlier today millions of Americans lost parents, grandparents, weird uncles and dick brothers when almost all republicans died of self induced asphyxia. As you already know it happened after Barack Obama publicly claimed the following,


" The respiratory system is used to deliver oxygen, which is essential to human life, to the blood stream. I love oxygen!"


It took mere seconds for the conservative backlash to begin. Hundreds of conservative websites spoke out against the gas and it's "liberal favoritism". In less than one minute there were over three million articles, pro and anti oxygen, posted on the internet.


By 12:00 pm the tea-party express founded the "End our reliance on O" Facebook group. Within the hour there were 2,000,000 likes, then there were 1,000,00, likes, then 800 likes. By the time the liking had ended, the stark realization of what had happened began.


The most memorable incident today was probably When Bill O'Reillys spoke with Sarah Palin on his special, "What's Oxygen Really Doing To America" special. The following is a transcript of that interview,


O'Reilly: Let me list off all of the people who have used this "oxygen" stuff. Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Bill Ayers, Fidel Castro, Charles Manson, Common, Osama Bin Laden. I mean, what else do you need?


Palin: Absolutely Bill. I think the American people are really concerned with the company the president keeps.

O'Reilly: Now to be fare, all complex life on Earth needs oxygen to survive, but I think it's important that conservatives, both voter and politician, say no more! In fact as of this moment, I'm quitting it. I'm done using this radicle, liberal gas that..... for years has been.... keeping....... conservatives at.......... bay.


Palin: I'm stopping too. To be honest I never really used that much..... but if it's....... what the American.... people......... want.


O'reilly: .....Exact......ly.


Palin: ....... yeah.......


O'reilly: ............


Palin: ...........


After this broadcast, Fox News viewership sunk to it's lowest in history, losing 98% of it's audience, leaving only the liberals who occasionally switch to the network to watch in disbelief.


Hollywood is, like the rest of the country, reeling after the loss of Craig T. Nelson, The Rock and Bruce Willis. John Voight and one of Baldwins also died but who gives a shit. Jay Leno is expected to be the hardest hit by todays events after losing his key audience, old republicans who don't think he's funny but like that he's lame like them.


This has to be, without a doubt, the saddest day in our nations history. In the future  children will only know of Republican Party through the stories that we tell them. That and the half-decade of footage amassed by fox news.


Though this author is sad, it helps to think that right now our grand old friends are in heaven. A republican heaven.  Where they're building a border fence around Mexican heaven with 1980's Ronald Reagan and White Jesus, singing shitty soft rock the whole day through.

Goodbye Republicans. Thanksgiving just won't be as racist without you.


UPDATE: Gay marriage legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Pot legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Prostitution, heroin, cocaine, LSD legal in Nevada.

UPDATE: Larry the Cable Guy quits "comedy" after showing up to six empty shows.





Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones is about Suzy Salmon,  a teenage girl who, after being raped and murdered, watches from her personal Heaven as her family and friends struggle to move on with their lives while she comes to terms with her own death. The book's author, Alice Sebold, has been lauded for being able to juggle a very diverse mix of genres writting this book. It's a period novel, that switches from family drama to religious fantasy and finally to provocative crime novel.

Now, I didn't read this book, namely because rape makes me uncomfortable. I believe when the movie came out, they left that scene out, the first good decision Peter Jackson's made since 2003.

Now lets talk about the readers ability to identify with a novels protagonist. I am a black man who wasn't alive in the seventies, has never been raped and murdered and hasn't gone on any gay adventure through a faggy heaven, and Suzy Salmon is literally the opposite of that. I have no problem with reading about people unlike me, but when someone is literally everything I am not, well come on.... come on.

Oh and that name, Suzy Salmon? That neighbor of hers did her a favor ( I don't mean that).

This weeks book, unlike most of the other books I've been asked to review, offers a rare shortcut for a book reviewer. THEY MADE A MOVIE!!! A movie I wouldn't watch if it were being projected on Victoria Beckhams tits. Mark Whalberg as a dad, no thanks. Stanley Tucci with a pedophile mustache, no thanks. Rachael Weisz, no thanks.

And the girl in it, Soairse Ronan, I don't like the way she makes me feel. Makes me feel Tucci.

So yeah, fuck this sentimental horse shit. 1 star (trying out a rating system. see if I like it).

I'm also trying another new thing this week. I'm actually going to tell the people at Inquisitive Online a book I'm interested in reviewing. Next week I'd like to review literally any book that doesn't have a teenage girl getting raped and murdered in the first one hundred pages are you out of your goddamned minds you lunatics.

Peace faggots.


T. C. Beverly

Disturbing Find On Anna Harrison's Wikipedia Page

It's true that Wikipedia is edited by it's users, but not all editors are created equal. There is the casual editor who may feel the need to ad a paragraph or sentence, and the their are the hardcore Wiki enthusiasts. Foragers of information who spend alot of free time scouring the internet for info to ad to articles. Louis Lloyd Thoreau is one of these enthusiasts, well, was one of these enthusiasts.

A week ago Nancy Pickwell, a 6th grade student from Nebraska, was working on her "Women Of History" project.

" It's sucked because there are about three women in history who are honestly interesting, and then everything else is a stretch. Well there are twenty kids in my class and those three got picked pretty fast. Everyone else had to choose from wives of interesting people or Kardashians. I got Anna Harrison." Said Nancy Pickwell.

Anna Harrison was the wife of our ninth president William Henry Harrison. The president himself is an obscure enough figure, and his wife is even more so.

While reading Anna Harrison's Wikipedia page, looking for anything remotely interesting, she came across something that actually was. No, it had nothing to do with Mrs. Harrison, It had to do with Louis Lloyd Thoreau.

Louis had been trying to scratch that contributor itch and wound up scratching the bottom of the barrel. When it finally came to adding facts to William Henry Harrison's wife's wikipedia page, Louis couldn't help but take a look at his own life. He had a nervous breakdown.

" When she was thirteen years old, Anna went with her father and stepmother into the Ohio wilderness, the wilderness may sound pretty bad, but living in a two story in South London with two parents who don't understand you can suck too."

The article is filled with these brief insights into Louis' life.

" William's service in Congress as territorial delegate from Ohio gave Anna and their children a chance to visit his family at Berkeley, funny, my sister lives in a flat three blocks away from me and I haven't seen her in three years. Bitch."

The final sentence, in the later life and death part of the article, reads...

" She passed away on February 25th, 1864. But you don't care, because there is no you. No one is ever going to read this article."

When alerted of these disturbing writings wikipedia decided to check in on Mr. Thoreau, but sadly, it was too late. Louis Lloyd Thoreau died of a heart attack. Anti-climactic right? You though he had committed suicide.
Wikipedia honored Thoreau with his very own Wikipedia article. Wow, wonder how they arranged that. They really went out of their way to honor the man. Real nice wikipedia.

Update: The person writing the article about Louis Lloyd Thoreau killed themselves, leaving behind a note that said only, " I'm writing an article about the guy who wrote an article about Anna Harrison. WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE!!!"


Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: American Gods

EDITORS NOTE: A little over a week ago I sent T. C. Beverly Neil Gaiman's acclaimed fantasy novel, American Gods. A book I chose after a long, painstaking search through amazons market of over 950,000 books, in hopes that I would finally choose a book Mr. Beverly would read. Today when I asked for his review of the book Mr. Beverly sent me an e-mail with the following picture attached, and it will have to serve as your review this week. I am very disappointed Mr. Beverly.

Satanists, Socialists and Communists May Not Vote Republican In 2012 Election

It's a given that certain groups of people probably won't vote for certain political parties. Black people tend to vote democrat, southerners tend vote republican and hippies tend to throw away their vote on Ralph Nader (he's never going to be elected you smelly obstructionists).

But this doesn't mean that political parties will completely give up on the groups less likely to vote for them. The Center for Conservative Victory held a study of certain constituency not likely to vote for the 2012 republican candidate and found some very disturbing news.

"Only 1 in 10 socialists, communists or Satan worshipers is going to vote republican. And it may be too late to turn those groups around."

Indeed. The groups reluctance to vote conservative may have to do with several comments made by all conservatives, dating back to always.

Inquisitive online interview a Satanist who had this to say...

"They keep thinking satanists are the same as atheists. We really don't like being mistaken with a group hated by so many many Americans."

We also reached out to a socialist who said....

" Well, Republicans keep saying Obama is one of us, so we might as well stick with him."

As you may have guessed, we also tracked down a communist who was quoted saying...

" I am tempted to vote for the party with red as its color, plus I'm extremely homophobic and so are they, but I just can't get past all of that McCarthy stuff. It's as though Republicans just flat out don't like communists. Even today!"

No word yet on whether or not the Center for Conservative Victory will be launching any campaigns to win back the reluctant groups, but one thing's for sure, that socialists answer sure was stupid.



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: Under The Dome

Today I'll be reviewing Stephen King's Under The Dome. This book is a dark look into the abuse of authority under special circumstances. At the beginning of the book a giant, invisible dome is dropped over Chester Mill, a small town in Maine. The town stays peaceful for as long as possible, that is until the crooked politicians and police force begin to abuse Chester Mill's population.

I didn't read it.

You think I care if cops beat on a bunch of corn fed white people? I don't. That dome does more than prevent people from going in and out of that town, it makes cops equal opportunists. Now the towns people get to know what it would be like if someone like me lived there.


And I know that people who read my other two reviews think I'm never going to read anything Inquisitive Online sends me. That is simply not true. I love books. I love reading books. I love the feel of books. I love the way books smell. I like to cook, which rhymes with book.

And the whole time I'm not reading books like Under The Dome I'm reading other books. And I know what you're thinking, why don't I review those books? To which I say DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY BOOK REVIEW!!!!!!

Now if Inquisitive online would send the kinds of books I like to read, I would read them. And the kinds of books I like to read are good books. And if my editor were so goddamn inquisitive he would have asked me about that.

So yeah, I didn't read this book but it's awful. Plus why would you give your money to a weirdo like Stephen King. He'll just spend the money on anime figures, bow-ties and whatever else nerds like him buy.

And also, Z. A. Aycock, go fuck yourself.


T. C. Beverly

Confused Bill Cosby Has A Surprise Sit Down With Barack Obama

Secret service were sent into a panic this morning after an intruder made it into the oval office. Two dozen men in black suits, guns drawn, rushed in to a very bizarre scene: President Barack Obama sitting in Bill Cosby's lap.

Apparently Dr. Cosby, who was in town for a black youth conference, got confused and wandered deep into the hallways of the white house.  He managed to get past three security check points. When asked why they let him by the guards said,

"It's Bill Cosby."

Cosby, now 74, has been getting confused alot lately due to a new type of medication the comedian is taking, and also because he's so old.

Press secretary, Joe Carney, spoke briefly on the matter at an official White House press conference later in the day.

"The president is fine. He was a little startled by Dr. Cosby, but was eventually calmed by the fact that he was talking to Cliff Huxtable. It was awesome."
 
And from what we understand from emerging details, the president was in fact talking to Dr. Huxtable. Bill Cosby entered the oval office wearing one of his trademark, multicolored sweaters, holding a large sandwich made in the White House kitchen.
 
"He kept calling the President "Rudy"."

Apparently Bill Cosby sat the president down and talked to him about the number of vacations he was taking.
"Rudy, I know your job is thankless. I know those kids at school..." we think he was referring to republicans "... are being mean to you. They're calling you names. But you can't just run away to Hawaii every time you feel intimidated."

"But they're always mean to me" responded the president despite himself.

"Well..... where am I?"

It was then that the 74 year old came to. Cosby's people laughed it off and said they were just happy to find him.

So could this incident actually have an effect on the president? Hopefully. It will be interesting to see if President Obama takes less vacation over the rest of his one term. We will keep you updated.


UPDATE: 81 year old Clint Eastwood kills forty criminals in San Francisco.



Z. A. Aycock

CBS Crime Drama NCIS Leading Candidate In Republican Primaries.

Our next president?

Alot of factors go into being popular amongst republican voters. You have to appeal to seniors, you can't be too complicated for simple people and having a military edge doesn't hurt. Rick Perry has all three of these, being in the air force and also being dumb, Ron Paul has none of these. 

The field of candidates have been swarming red states and swing states alike. They want people to know their name above all others. 

Lately Rick Perry has been leading the pack, with the last two major polls showing him ahead of Michele  Brahmann and Mitt Romney. But Yesterday the results of a poll conducted by Townhall.com shows a new front runner.  


CBS's highest rated procedural crime drama NCIS has swept the republican base off it's feet.  The show's lack of creativity, lack of any realistic anti-culture and lack of funny jokes has had republicans identifying with it for years, not unlike The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Plus it has what republicans love most: alot of white people with tucked in shirts. 


When asked if it was possible for a t.v. program to be elected president, political expert Frank Luntz said, "Well, technically it is a creative entity made up of people and there is no law against creative entities being elected into executive  power". When asked if it had any chance of winning Luntz said, "When it comes to white people in tucked in shirts, conservatives just can't help themselves". 


This is true. I think we all remember last years senatorial election in Kansas where a manikin, wearing a blue denim shirt tucked into khaki cargo pants, won a landslide victory against his democratic contender. 


Plus, with it's experience foiling terrorist plots and saving Americans, though fictional, NCIS is sure to make a name for itself in the coming months. The entire cast released this statement through CBS, 


"We at NCIS pledge to the American people that we will fight against the hypocrisy in Washington, protect the sanctity of marriage and deliver heart pounding suspense every Tuesday at 8/7c." 


Yup, that's what it's come to. 

UPDATE: NCIS implicated in scheme to profit from teacher life insurance. Made sick deal with foreign bank. Hardly any media coverage of it. Amazingly still on track to become president.






Z. A. Aycock

Disturbing Trend Of Blogs Using Key Words Like Twilight, Bieber, Sex and Kardashian To Increase Blog Traffic.

Kim Kardashian

The art of blogging, and it is an art form, is 2% blog and 98% integrity. If you don't have integrity you can't make it in this business. A proclamation I'm completely willing to make only two weeks after starting my first blog. You're responsibility as a blogger is to deliver the message you set out to deliver without compromising your blog. 


Well apparently some bloggers didn't get that memo.  


It has come to Inquisitive Online's attention that there is disturbing trend going on inside the blogosphere, or blogosdome if you're a fixed earth christian, that many bloggers are using a cheap trick called result netting. Result netting is when a blogger, or journalist, arbitrarily adds popular search subjects in their article just to up the amount of searches they'll be included in. 

An example of this is if I were to say: Justin Bieber hasn't seen the latest Twilight movie because he was watching porn and having sex with Barack Obama. 


Just in that sentence I mentioned five popular web searches. Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama. By just mentioning those things the probability that this site will be discovered has increased. And the number of times I say Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama increases the articles relevance in those search results.

The fact that bloggers would use terms like Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama just to get their site discovered is abhorrent. And it's not just Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama that these people are using. They're also using words like Selena Gomez, interracial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga in sentences like... 


" Selena Gomez gave Lady Gaga an interaccial golden shower while looking up the company  history of Amazon on wikipedia." 


This stuff is happening all of the time. All of the time. Merely in the hopes of beefing up page views and blog followers. I refuse to stoop to the level of merely mentioning Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga to get more followers. Because my followers want news stories and facts, not  Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga. 


I just hope that bloggers and journalists read this, and feel ashamed of what they're doing. Because it is shameful. Almost as shameful as Kim Kardashians dress at her wedding which can now be seen at... 


http://www.eonline.com/news/kim_kardashians_blinging_bridal/259704


Shameful! 


Update: Justin Bieber actually hasn't seen the latest twilight movie. Hmmm, story?



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Language Of Flowers

Vanessa Diffenbaugh's novel, The Language Of The Flowers, is a tale about a young orphan named Victoria Jones. Victoria has encountered all forms of abuse in her lifetime being both in and out of her foster-care. In the present Victoria is on her own and living in a public park. If this plot seems tragic to you, it might please you to know that  the story is about redemption and overcoming greats odds. Victoria overcomes those odds with her special love for flowers. She's very talented at planting and arranging flowers. The people who meet her notice and are ultimately changed by the young women and her hobby.  


A homeless girl talented at...arranging flowers. ...really? That's the synopsis you give me?
  
Off the bat, you should know by now why I didn't, haven't and wont read this book. First of all, botany is not a talent. Not in my eyes at least, so if you think I'm gonna be cow-towed into being wowed by some snaggle toothed broad ( I assume all homeless people look like June Carter-Cash and have no teeth), putting the tulips with the tulips and the daisies with the daisies, you should rethink who you want on your this feature. I may not be a very smart man, but it takes a little more than color coordination to impress me. 


 I'll tell you something else: little fun fact about me. I've spent a fair amount of time on the bottom of the social financial ladder. I wouldn't go so far to say i was homeless, but  the house had no electricity, no food, and we had to use the community pool to shower (sorry to my neighbors that may read this that didn't know that fact. Little Timmy was swimming in uncle T.C's bath water). So yeah, I went hungry, went dirty, went thirsty, and lonely because surprise surprise, apparently its hard to get women to come over to your house when they cant see their way up the stairs. In any case, you know what i didn't do? I DIDN'T GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO LET PEOPLE SEE MY "TALENT" IN BOTANY! THEREFORE I WAS STUCK! I don't even know if I'd have been good at it. I didn't get time to see because I was busy TRYING TO FIND A JOB! LIKE A LEGITIMATE PERSON IN FINANCIAL TURMOIL SHOULD BE DOING! NOT FUCKIN' AROUND WITH DANDELIONS! 


 By the way, that shit can fly because she's a woman. Let a homeless man come along and say, "hey, i can arrange your flowers if you need" ...that guys getting the cops called on him. God forbid its a black man. We don't have societal importance as white people have, if we're homeless, who cares. We're just another statistic to you. Now say this "statistic" comes to you talking about flowers and what not.  
"Get this gay jiggaboo away from me!!!"  


And yes that's two articles with the word jigaboo in it, but honestly, that's how I feel you white people go around thinking of us. I know the editor does. He says it every week.  


"Hey, what kind of stupid ass book can i give this lil' jig to talk about. Dance, monkey, dance." 

"The language of the flowers", nonsense. How dare you. How dare you, Vanessa Diffenbaugh. Insult Americas' intelligence. I understand I shouldn't downplay or down talk a piece of literature I haven't read, because it's a form of art and expression merely for entertainment, because somewhere around the world someone is entertained, or god forbid inspired by the book ( those people are called nincompoops, imbeciles and idiots, by the way).  


But honestly, I'm not buying it. Based on the synopsis I read on amazon. ...how are you really talented at something like arranging flowers? sometimes I feel the same when people say it about athletes, but then I remember it takes hard work and energy to do things athletes do. I cant run back and forth chasing a ball for 60 minutes.Ii breathe heavy when i eat too fast. So yeah, athletes are talents. Even reading is talent. Making a basket case isn't. Just because you can get a degree in it, doesn't make it legit.  


But who am I? just a poor black man, trying to make it in a world where a goofy, financially immature woman can make some flowers match and survive, yet I gotta do stupid things to get my life straight and make out of this world, sacrifice and still struggle just to get by. And by get by, i mean hate my life, shove "the man's" poop back up my own butt and sit here writing stupid ass literary reviews about some shit you KNOW i have no interest in reading. But you know why it's ok? Cause its the white man's world, that's right. 


Last thing, if this was a black lady doing this, the story would be about how a white person taught her how to arrange flowers. Just saying. So fuck this book. Fuck this homeless girl. Fuck this review. Fuck the author and most importantly, FUCK YOU AYCOCK! DON'T YOU EVER....NOT NEVER! SEND ME SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!
  
...I'll see you next week.


T. C. Beverly

Ironic mustache, sincere murder: a profile of Portlands hipster serial killer.

Hipster Strangler

Charlotte - Remember when Portland used to be safe? Portland.... it's a city.... in Oregon. Anyways, it turns out  it's a real city, and it's not safe anymore, because there's a serial killer on the loose.

It's only been three weeks since Caleb Westin, a twenty three year old drummer, band promoter, hipster blogger and car wash manager was killed on his way home from a gig. A group of vagabonds barely made it to the scene before Caleb passed. His last words were, " Like I care".

Police said he was strangled to death by a hand woven noose made of yarn. That noose would only be the first. Since then five other twenty somethings named Caleb,also hipster bloggers, also coming home from gigs, have been strangled. We asked Police Chief Bernard Rheon if this was an amazing coincidence.

" No it's not amazing at all. If you randomly strangle a twenty something male in Portland their name will probably be Caleb, they'll probably be a hipster blogger, and their probably coming home from a gig."

We asked Chief Rheon  how much was known about what has been labeled the Hipster Strangler.

"  So far we've only had one witness, but they tell us that the killer is himself a hipster. He wears a low "v-neck", a pair of grey jeans several sizes too small and a pair of horned rimmed sun glasses. They also told us he has a mustache which is "ironic"."

I asked what race the killer was causing me and Chief Rheon to have a nice long laugh.

I speak for myself when I say that this story has been especially hard to write because the death of a hipster, however it may happen, draws such little attention from the public. Almost no one cares when a hipster dies. I don't care either. In fact, last sentence of the article.

UPDATE: Letter from killer sent to Inquisitive Online. Didn't read it. Still don't care.


Z. A. Aycock

Popular Historian Comes Out Of Retirement To Change Position on Nazi Gold

Alexander Palka, 2008

Charlotte - It's been three years since popular English author Alexander Palka retired from writing, but not before releasing his bestseller  N-Au-zi, a non-fiction book about the fortunes Hitlers third Reich took from its victims and dispensed in various locations around the world, more commonly known as Nazi gold. Many of my more chemically savvy readers may have noticed Palka's clever inclusion of gold's chemical symbol, Au, into the word Nazi. "I'm proud of the title" said Palka when we interviewed him in 2009.


Throughout the entire novel Palka made the case that all money or gold traced back to the victims of Hitler's army must be seized by the Interpol and dispensed evenly amongst the victims families.


Palka famously used the final chapter of N-Au-zi to announce his retirement and decision to move on to his true love, reflooring old Argentinean homes.


" I spent three years of my youth in Argentina and the thing that stuck with me the most was how beautiful the homes were. Especially the older ones.  I've always wanted to go back and and renovate them. To save them from becoming dilapidated, condemned and eventually demolished." Palka went on to say. "And as many of my readers know when my career wasn't going so well, at least as well as it is now, I took up reflooring old houses to make rent. I think I'd like to go back to that".


And he did.


For the last three years Alexander Palka has been doing exactly what he said he was going to to do. He's been living in Argentina, fixing up old houses and running a reflooring business. Living out his days in sunny Argentina with beautiful his wife, Leslie, and their five year old daughter, Marie. It was the perfect ending to an amazing life story.
  
That is until three months ago when Palka ended his business and came out of retirement.


" We we're reflooring this old mansion, it's owner had just died, and everything was pretty normal" says Caesar Malendez, a former employee of Mr. Palka. " Then, all of the sudden he started acting very strange. He started saying stuff like, "Why the fuck did I have to talk all that shit?" and "It's gonna be hard to justify this one"".


Soon after he began acting strange he fired his employees, sold his reflooring business and moved to Switzerland. After several months of silence Mr. Palka resurfaced. Or in this case, it was Mr. Palka's new press agent who stuck his head out releasing the following press release.


Fans of Alexander Palka's works should be excited to learn that just three years after releasing N-Au-zi Mr. Palka has written another masterpiece. They should be even more excited to learn the book will be on the same subject that grabbed their imagination in N-Au-zi, but this time from a less pessimistic point of view. The new book will be titled, "Au Come On". A book from the perspective of someone with realistic views about what may, or may not have happened in Germany almost seventy years ago. 


The following is an excerpt for the new book,


It's not like the money killed anyone. And the people the money belonged to, well, they're not missing it. So I don't know why if an honest business owner, and this is all hypothetical mind you, but if an honest business man were reflooring an old Argentinean mansion and found eighty-million in euros under the bathroom floor, he should be able to keep it. Now I want to examine the word hypocrite... 


Well, whatever happened to Alexander Palka while he was reflooring that mansion, one thing is for sure, euros looks weird when written down. You'd think it would be "euroes", maybe even capitalized but nope. It's just euros. This is Z. A. Aycock from charlotte, sending it back to you Dan.

Angry Birds Fans Outraged By Games Hidden Allegorical Basis.

Jaakko Lisalo

Since being released in December, 2009, the Rovio computer game Angry Birds, published by Chillingo, has been an international hit. As of this year the game has been downloaded twelve million times, twenty-four times more than Maroon 5's last album. Not to mention the fact that Angry Birds merchandise has been moving non-stop off the games website. People love wearing sweaters with the trademark red bird on the front. And why wouldn't they?  

There was never any reason to root against the angry bird's and their mission to topple towers and kill the pigs sitting inside. Never a reason, until now.  

Recently on assignment in Finland ( I don't have to explain shit to you) I found myself in a fancy restaurant eating a Kaalikääryle on Inquisitive Online's dime. I was halfway through, well on my way to the Laskiaispulla, when I noticed a small, unassuming man on the other side of the restaurant. He was raising his voice and being derogatory toward his waiter. After a few moments of observing the man I realized who this rude person was. No, not Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Lavine who you'd totally expect to do something shitty like that. No, it was Angry Birds creator Jaakko Lisalo. 

Liaslo was clearly drunk, despite it being only three in the afternoon. I decided to try my luck and see if I could get an interview with him for the website. So I asked him if he minded talking on the record for a little while. He didn't. 

Liaslo: Inquisitive Online, I totally love you guys. You are so much better than the onion! 
Me: Yes we are. Thanks for noticing. 
Liaslo: *coughs Do you have any horse on you? I'm feeling a little sick. 
Me: No, but dad owns a ranch. 
Liaslo: ... 
Me: So first things first, how is Jaakko Liaslo enjoying the success of Angry Birds. 
Liaslo: I'm loving it. We never thought our little game would be this decades "Pacman". I'm so rich. 
Me: Well you deserve it. The games is great. But I've always wondered about the plot. Where did you get those ideas? Birds exacting revenge on pigs in towers. 
Liaslo: Err... 
Me: Come on Liaslo, it's me you're talking too. 
Liaslo: That's a good point. I'm not supposed to tell people this but... well let's just say I got the idea in 2001. 
Me: ?  
Liaslo: September, 2001. 
Me: ? 
Liaslo: Seriously dude? 
Me: Wait a second. 

And then it hit me like a ton of unsold Maroon 5 records. Angry Birds was an allegory for 9/11. Liaslo went on about about this horse of his, but by then my mind was reeling. After a few minutes I politely got up and left. "How did no one notice this?" is what I repeated to myself while walking through the streets of Helsinki.  

Looking back it seems obvious. The birds are clearly middle eastern. They're always angry, you can't understand what there saying and some of them have unibrows. 


Not to mention the fact that the whole game consists of level after level of birds sacrificing their lives to topple towers, killing it's defenseless inhabitants.       

The only thing I can't understand is why they would used cartoon pigs to represent Americans. It doesn't make any sense.


Last week Brian Williams broke this story because A. I keep loosing track of my notebooks and B. Brian Williams is a fucking thief. Needless to say Americans were outraged. Downloads for the game have come to a near halt, hardly making Maroon 5 numbers. 

EA Games, now owner of the Angry Birds title, has apologized several times stating they weren't aware of the games offensive origins. Even going as far as to release a new game called "Justice Pigs", in which the pigs go into caves and splatter the birds brains all over the walls. Despite this there is little hope that EA will be able to save the franchise. 


And the bad news doesn't end there.  


Maroon 5 has announced plans to release a fourth album within the year. President Barack Obama was quoted as saying, "This will be the Maroon 5 album to break Americas' spirit". Indeed Obama. Indeed. 


UPDATE: Carl Rove has denied any connection to Rovio after literally no one asked. 


Z. A. Aycock

Yet Another Conversation About Semi-Colon's Ends In Disaster.

According to the most recent data released by researchers at Stanford's

Center for the Study of Language and Information (CSLI), there exists a

correlation between usage of certain punctuation and specific personality

types, and even disorders. Lead researcher Professor Peter Stanley explained, "For

example, the semi colon is the only punctuation in the English language

that can always be replaced with either alternate punctuation such as a

comma or period, or linking words such as 'and' or 'but'. This means that

there is never a situation where use of a semi colon is mandated by the

rules of English grammar."

So if the semi colon is more or less superfluous, who is using it and why?

Stanley said, "Our data demonstrated a strong link between use of semi

colons and debilitating insecurity regarding intellect. Furthermore, we can

extrapolate that the less secure one is in their intellectual ability, the

more likely they are to use semi colons, and vice versa. Someone who uses a

some uneducated rube who desperately wants to impress people with something

lot of semi colons is likely the stupidest of several siblings, or just

as absurd as 'fancy' punctuation."

When asked if some of this reporter's writings had been sourced in this research, and if this was meant as some kind of personal attack, Prof. Stanley quickly changed the topic of conversation by pointing out my defensive tone. Not easily sidetracked, this tenacious reporter reasserted that this “study” was just some kind of put on or joke that was only meant to make me feel stupid. Stanley cruelly laughed in my face and called me a “fucking idiot”.

When pressed about his moronic use of stupid fucking emoticons in personal correspondence and doesn't that make him a look like a juvenile asshole, Professor Stanley demanded to know how I had obtained his email password. When told that “TooCute;)” was pretty easy to guess considering the absolute retardation of the jackass in question, Stanley flipped this reporter off and stated for the record, “Fuck you dude! You don't hack someone's email and read it! That shit is fucking personal! You are way the fuck out of line!”

The interview was abruptly ended. Professor Peter Stanley could not be reached for further comment. 

M. F. Cornelius

Anti Nitric Oxide Campaign Pumping Up Fast

Patty Fox

Richmond- Reacting to news of the accidental Nitric Oxide overdose that resulted in the death of 18 year old aspiring bodybuilder and Richmond's First Baptist Church goer Richard Lockwood, members of the church launched

a campaign to educate young people on the dangers of overusing Nitric Oxide, a common ingredient in fitness supplements.

"Nitric oxide is commonly used by athletes and body builders," Explained campaign organizer Patty Fox, "When ingested, it dissolves
 in the bloodstream, dilating the veins. This vasodilation does not decrease the volume of blood the heart pumps, but rather it decreases the force the heart muscle must exert to pump the same volume of blood. Taken in small

doses, the drug can prolong stamina during endurance activities, but if the dose is too high the result can be fatal."

Fox's group began speaking at schools and distributing informational

pamphlets to raise awareness of the issue. "We recognized from the start

that we were a small group, and for us to have a significant impact, we

needed some kind of catchy hook. Something to get kids interested and

spread the word," said Fox, "That's when we came up with the idea of using

social networking to get the message out. When we spoke to kids in school,

we encouraged them to show their support by adding our little logo to their

Facebook and Twitter profile pictures."

The groups logo is the letters NO (the chemical sign for Nitric Oxide), stacked on top of H8, a pseudo rebus for the word hate. According to Fox, the logo is meant to symbolize the core message that the group is trying to send: No tolerance for abusing Nitric Oxide.

Word has spread surprisingly quickly. Literally thousands of teens and young adults have embraced the group's message by adding the NO H8 logo to their social networking accounts."We've seen our logo on accounts from around the world! I had no idea we'd be such a smash success! We've even seen quite a few photos posted to a website called Flickr where people have

painted our logo right on their faces!"

With all of the group's sudden success, has come some unexpected circumstances. The anti Nitric Oxide message seems for some reason to have resonated quite strongly with the gay community. The Christian based group, while somewhat baffled by the response, is receptive to the support.

"We all know homosexuality is a sin, and it makes God sad to know that some

of his children are rejecting him to live a sinful lifestyle, but if the gay community can save just one young Christian athlete from over dosing on Nitric Oxide, then we think it's worth it," Stated Fox, "God works in mysterious ways!"

-M. F. Cornelius