Angry Birds Fans Outraged By Games Hidden Allegorical Basis.

Jaakko Lisalo

Since being released in December, 2009, the Rovio computer game Angry Birds, published by Chillingo, has been an international hit. As of this year the game has been downloaded twelve million times, twenty-four times more than Maroon 5's last album. Not to mention the fact that Angry Birds merchandise has been moving non-stop off the games website. People love wearing sweaters with the trademark red bird on the front. And why wouldn't they?  

There was never any reason to root against the angry bird's and their mission to topple towers and kill the pigs sitting inside. Never a reason, until now.  

Recently on assignment in Finland ( I don't have to explain shit to you) I found myself in a fancy restaurant eating a Kaalikääryle on Inquisitive Online's dime. I was halfway through, well on my way to the Laskiaispulla, when I noticed a small, unassuming man on the other side of the restaurant. He was raising his voice and being derogatory toward his waiter. After a few moments of observing the man I realized who this rude person was. No, not Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Lavine who you'd totally expect to do something shitty like that. No, it was Angry Birds creator Jaakko Lisalo. 

Liaslo was clearly drunk, despite it being only three in the afternoon. I decided to try my luck and see if I could get an interview with him for the website. So I asked him if he minded talking on the record for a little while. He didn't. 

Liaslo: Inquisitive Online, I totally love you guys. You are so much better than the onion! 
Me: Yes we are. Thanks for noticing. 
Liaslo: *coughs Do you have any horse on you? I'm feeling a little sick. 
Me: No, but dad owns a ranch. 
Liaslo: ... 
Me: So first things first, how is Jaakko Liaslo enjoying the success of Angry Birds. 
Liaslo: I'm loving it. We never thought our little game would be this decades "Pacman". I'm so rich. 
Me: Well you deserve it. The games is great. But I've always wondered about the plot. Where did you get those ideas? Birds exacting revenge on pigs in towers. 
Liaslo: Err... 
Me: Come on Liaslo, it's me you're talking too. 
Liaslo: That's a good point. I'm not supposed to tell people this but... well let's just say I got the idea in 2001. 
Me: ?  
Liaslo: September, 2001. 
Me: ? 
Liaslo: Seriously dude? 
Me: Wait a second. 

And then it hit me like a ton of unsold Maroon 5 records. Angry Birds was an allegory for 9/11. Liaslo went on about about this horse of his, but by then my mind was reeling. After a few minutes I politely got up and left. "How did no one notice this?" is what I repeated to myself while walking through the streets of Helsinki.  

Looking back it seems obvious. The birds are clearly middle eastern. They're always angry, you can't understand what there saying and some of them have unibrows. 


Not to mention the fact that the whole game consists of level after level of birds sacrificing their lives to topple towers, killing it's defenseless inhabitants.       

The only thing I can't understand is why they would used cartoon pigs to represent Americans. It doesn't make any sense.


Last week Brian Williams broke this story because A. I keep loosing track of my notebooks and B. Brian Williams is a fucking thief. Needless to say Americans were outraged. Downloads for the game have come to a near halt, hardly making Maroon 5 numbers. 

EA Games, now owner of the Angry Birds title, has apologized several times stating they weren't aware of the games offensive origins. Even going as far as to release a new game called "Justice Pigs", in which the pigs go into caves and splatter the birds brains all over the walls. Despite this there is little hope that EA will be able to save the franchise. 


And the bad news doesn't end there.  


Maroon 5 has announced plans to release a fourth album within the year. President Barack Obama was quoted as saying, "This will be the Maroon 5 album to break Americas' spirit". Indeed Obama. Indeed. 


UPDATE: Carl Rove has denied any connection to Rovio after literally no one asked. 


Z. A. Aycock