Yet Another Conversation About Semi-Colon's Ends In Disaster.

According to the most recent data released by researchers at Stanford's

Center for the Study of Language and Information (CSLI), there exists a

correlation between usage of certain punctuation and specific personality

types, and even disorders. Lead researcher Professor Peter Stanley explained, "For

example, the semi colon is the only punctuation in the English language

that can always be replaced with either alternate punctuation such as a

comma or period, or linking words such as 'and' or 'but'. This means that

there is never a situation where use of a semi colon is mandated by the

rules of English grammar."

So if the semi colon is more or less superfluous, who is using it and why?

Stanley said, "Our data demonstrated a strong link between use of semi

colons and debilitating insecurity regarding intellect. Furthermore, we can

extrapolate that the less secure one is in their intellectual ability, the

more likely they are to use semi colons, and vice versa. Someone who uses a

some uneducated rube who desperately wants to impress people with something

lot of semi colons is likely the stupidest of several siblings, or just

as absurd as 'fancy' punctuation."

When asked if some of this reporter's writings had been sourced in this research, and if this was meant as some kind of personal attack, Prof. Stanley quickly changed the topic of conversation by pointing out my defensive tone. Not easily sidetracked, this tenacious reporter reasserted that this “study” was just some kind of put on or joke that was only meant to make me feel stupid. Stanley cruelly laughed in my face and called me a “fucking idiot”.

When pressed about his moronic use of stupid fucking emoticons in personal correspondence and doesn't that make him a look like a juvenile asshole, Professor Stanley demanded to know how I had obtained his email password. When told that “TooCute;)” was pretty easy to guess considering the absolute retardation of the jackass in question, Stanley flipped this reporter off and stated for the record, “Fuck you dude! You don't hack someone's email and read it! That shit is fucking personal! You are way the fuck out of line!”

The interview was abruptly ended. Professor Peter Stanley could not be reached for further comment. 

M. F. Cornelius