Millions of republicans asphyxiate after Obama endorses oxygen

Terrorist?

Charlotte - By now I'm sure there's no detail I could report that the reader isn't already aware of, so consider this to be more of a historical record than a news article.

Earlier today millions of Americans lost parents, grandparents, weird uncles and dick brothers when almost all republicans died of self induced asphyxia. As you already know it happened after Barack Obama publicly claimed the following,


" The respiratory system is used to deliver oxygen, which is essential to human life, to the blood stream. I love oxygen!"


It took mere seconds for the conservative backlash to begin. Hundreds of conservative websites spoke out against the gas and it's "liberal favoritism". In less than one minute there were over three million articles, pro and anti oxygen, posted on the internet.


By 12:00 pm the tea-party express founded the "End our reliance on O" Facebook group. Within the hour there were 2,000,000 likes, then there were 1,000,00, likes, then 800 likes. By the time the liking had ended, the stark realization of what had happened began.


The most memorable incident today was probably When Bill O'Reillys spoke with Sarah Palin on his special, "What's Oxygen Really Doing To America" special. The following is a transcript of that interview,


O'Reilly: Let me list off all of the people who have used this "oxygen" stuff. Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Bill Ayers, Fidel Castro, Charles Manson, Common, Osama Bin Laden. I mean, what else do you need?


Palin: Absolutely Bill. I think the American people are really concerned with the company the president keeps.

O'Reilly: Now to be fare, all complex life on Earth needs oxygen to survive, but I think it's important that conservatives, both voter and politician, say no more! In fact as of this moment, I'm quitting it. I'm done using this radicle, liberal gas that..... for years has been.... keeping....... conservatives at.......... bay.


Palin: I'm stopping too. To be honest I never really used that much..... but if it's....... what the American.... people......... want.


O'reilly: .....Exact......ly.


Palin: ....... yeah.......


O'reilly: ............


Palin: ...........


After this broadcast, Fox News viewership sunk to it's lowest in history, losing 98% of it's audience, leaving only the liberals who occasionally switch to the network to watch in disbelief.


Hollywood is, like the rest of the country, reeling after the loss of Craig T. Nelson, The Rock and Bruce Willis. John Voight and one of Baldwins also died but who gives a shit. Jay Leno is expected to be the hardest hit by todays events after losing his key audience, old republicans who don't think he's funny but like that he's lame like them.


This has to be, without a doubt, the saddest day in our nations history. In the future  children will only know of Republican Party through the stories that we tell them. That and the half-decade of footage amassed by fox news.


Though this author is sad, it helps to think that right now our grand old friends are in heaven. A republican heaven.  Where they're building a border fence around Mexican heaven with 1980's Ronald Reagan and White Jesus, singing shitty soft rock the whole day through.

Goodbye Republicans. Thanksgiving just won't be as racist without you.


UPDATE: Gay marriage legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Pot legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Prostitution, heroin, cocaine, LSD legal in Nevada.

UPDATE: Larry the Cable Guy quits "comedy" after showing up to six empty shows.





Z. A. Aycock