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| Hipster Strangler |
Charlotte - Remember when Portland used to be safe? Portland.... it's a city.... in Oregon. Anyways, it turns out it's a real city, and it's not safe anymore, because there's a serial killer on the loose.
It's only been three weeks since Caleb Westin, a twenty three year old drummer, band promoter, hipster blogger and car wash manager was killed on his way home from a gig. A group of vagabonds barely made it to the scene before Caleb passed. His last words were, " Like I care".
Police said he was strangled to death by a hand woven noose made of yarn. That noose would only be the first. Since then five other twenty somethings named Caleb,also hipster bloggers, also coming home from gigs, have been strangled. We asked Police Chief Bernard Rheon if this was an amazing coincidence.
" No it's not amazing at all. If you randomly strangle a twenty something male in Portland their name will probably be Caleb, they'll probably be a hipster blogger, and their probably coming home from a gig."
We asked Chief Rheon how much was known about what has been labeled the Hipster Strangler.
" So far we've only had one witness, but they tell us that the killer is himself a hipster. He wears a low "v-neck", a pair of grey jeans several sizes too small and a pair of horned rimmed sun glasses. They also told us he has a mustache which is "ironic"."
I asked what race the killer was causing me and Chief Rheon to have a nice long laugh.
I speak for myself when I say that this story has been especially hard to write because the death of a hipster, however it may happen, draws such little attention from the public. Almost no one cares when a hipster dies. I don't care either. In fact, last sentence of the article.
UPDATE: Letter from killer sent to Inquisitive Online. Didn't read it. Still don't care.
Z. A. Aycock
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