Detroits New "Frown Fine" Is Sure To Make It's Citizens Privately Unhappy

FINE THAT MAN!!!!

. DETROIT - Today Detroits mayor David Bing enacted a bill passed last week by the Detroit City Council. With all nine members voting yes on the bill you'd think it was a popular piece of legislation with overwhelming support from the cities residents. It is not. 

The bill is titled " The Morale Obstruction Fine", more commonly known as the "The Frown Fine". It gives the city of Detroit the ability to fine any person within city limits who isn't smiling , laughing with joy over their current position in life or giving a big thumbs up. 

 We spoke with Darrel Seigfried, a local government enthusiast who's been following city council legislation for two decades. He had this to say. 

" Finally this hobby has paid off!!!! Twenty-three fucking years and not a single publication has asked me a fucking question and now look who's in the hot seat. Wonder what the press office for the Lions is up to today? I'll tell you what they're not doing anymore, thinking they're better than me. And now onto the topic of this new fine.  

Those of us who have been following local government here in Detroit knew something like this was coming. The more the people in charge have done the deeper into it's hole Detroit has gone. It was only a matter of time before they did something drastic like this". 

The bill claims to solve two problems at once. The city is deep in debt so enacting a fine for something so commonly used as a frown will bring in alot of money. The city also has a large problem with morale and high suicide rate.  

I know as a reporter I'm supposed to refrain from expressing personal opinions within my own news report, but I think this new rule is fantastic. Today I drove past a ten year old boys funeral and seeing his family laugh and smile over his dead body for fear of legal repercussion from the city really livened up the occasion. Seeing Detroits 18,000 homeless laugh and smile the day away really reminds one of the cheery, likable hobo you used to see in early Disney cartoons. Whatever happened to that? 

And just before returning to my hotel to write this article I was mugged by what was literally the nicest man I've ever met. His smile worked the money from my pocket much more effectively that his switch blade. 

So there you have it. Detroits real problem wasn't seventy percent of it's industry leaving it within a single ten year period, it was it's negative population. The people were just being dicks. But city government has fixed that and undoubtedly saved the city. Is there anything local government isn't effective at? I'm fucking serious answer that question. 

UPDATE: Detroits Mayor has found another way to raise money by officially changing his name to David Sponsored By Bing.   

Z. A. Aycock