Scientist Discovers Platypus-Bodied Duck

Terrorist?

There are some very strange creatures on this planet of ours. Like Lions. But lions are only the tip of the oddball iceberg that is our animal kingdom.  Like, have you noticed that bears, dogs and seals all have the same face? What's going on there. They're like the Javier Bardem / Jeffery Dean Morgan's of nature.

Well as of today nature strikes again. Last week Zoologist, Dr. Jeffery Helbig, was on an expedition in Australia. He was studying the effect of "placing dry land lizards into wetland areas" or as other scientists have called it, drowning lizards. While he was drowning those lizards he made an amazing find.

Dr. Helbig has discovered a new species of duck with a black bill, water resistant fur and a platypus body. He's taken to calling the animal a " Platypus-bodied Duck". He says he chose the name because he doesn't like it when people are able to say the names of animals three times fast.

"I was working with my lizards" says Dr. Helbig, "when all of the sudden one of the ducks emerged from the water. It scared the shit out of the desert lizards and one of them almost drowned early. "

Dr. Helbig says aside from it's body the platypus-bodied duck is just like every other duck. It lays eggs, spends most of it's day in the water and looks adorable in a blue sailors uniform. But when placed amongst other ducks, the other ducks don't react well. It's sort of an ugly duckling situation. Goddamn racist ducks.

Dr. Helbig later tried an experiment where he had the platypus-bodied duck raise a Buffleheaded duckling. But instead of raising the duckling it immediately smothered it under it's own weight. Dr. Helbig also found that platypus-bodied ducks will eat desert lizards.

Luckily, before Dr. Helbig could begin his "effects on placing wetland platypus-bodied ducks in the desert" experiment the Australian government took the duck-billed platypus and placed it in one of it's national wetland reserves.

And that's as happy an ending as anyone can expect in Australia. A crazy zoologist didn't abandon you in the desert. Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi! Oi! Oi!


Z. A. Aycock