Mental Health Authorities Concerned for Tiger Woods After Awesome Press Conference Meltdown

Atlanta- Sunday afternoon, Atlanta psychologist Johnathon Huey voiced concerns regarding the mental health of once lauded golfer Tiger Woods in an interview with a local news station, citing distressing remarks made by Woods at a press conference called by Woods to address his recent failure to qualify for the PGA Championship earlier that day. Huey was not alone in his remarks calling for the “Immediate institutional commitment of Tiger Woods”, as celebrity doctors Drew Pinsky, Sanjay Gupta, and Phil McGraw held a joint press conference pleading with authorities to take Woods into custody “For his own safety”.

Woods stated at his press conference that “I have played a game of golf pretty fucking poorly. Boo fucking hoo. Poor me, right? I guess I only have two choices left right now: I can either go home and paint the walls with my brains, or I can fuck just about any hot blond twenty two year old waitress I want on a giant pile of money and caviar until my balls shrivel up like a couple of raisins and I forget that I didn't do very well at golf today. Hmm, wonder what I'm gonna do. Go fuck yourselves.”

Woods then fanned himself with a stack of hundred dollar bills and exposed his penis, causing brief pandemonium as ladies rushed the podium to suckle. Two women sustained serious injuries in the fray and were hospitalized.

Dr. Huey noted that Woods tone “Was belligerent and derisive. This is the language of a man about to take extreme action.” Huey went on to tell interviewers, “ Mr. Woods must feel that he has nothing left to live for, and understandably so. What good is an unending procession of women that want to sleep with you if you aren't as good at golf as you used to be? Other than to hold all your billions of dollars for you while you drive Italian sports cars though Paris, I mean.”

Said Dr. Drew Pinsky at the subsequent conference of Woods chilling comments, “A man in this state is completely unpredictable. While he may simply decide to go ass to mouth on one or more young sluts in the back of a limo with a pool inside of it, I am very concerned that a suicide attempt is imminent.”

McGraw added, “Now you can get fucked and sucked by any number of tight eager little bitches that will gladly do literally ANYTHING you say in your multimillion dollar home while any one of your dozen servants films the whole affair because you no longer have some bitter ice queen of an ex model hanging around to ruin your fun, but let me ask you this: if you played one game of golf really averagely...I mean REALLY averagely, you'd kill your self, right?”

Dr. Gupta had this to say, “As Associate Chief of the neurosurgery service at Grady Memorial Hospital here in Atlanta, I can tell you unequivocally that the human mind is simply not wired to withstand the trauma of delivering a relatively speaking, poor performance in the game of golf. We are talking about a man who finished 10 over par! Some cold comfort getting balls deep in a big tittied bimbo is gonna be. Sure you can choke 6 or even 8 sexy, sexy girls with your big throbbing tallywacker until you pop off in some one's eye, but I know for for a fact that shooting 77 and 73 at the Atlanta Athletic Club is going to make deep throating a glock look pretty damn appealing. Bottom line people, we need to get this man some help.”

Atlanta Police Chief George Turner said in a statement regarding the situation, “Golf is fucking dumb. I am a black man and I don't give a fuck about golf. Come on now, people.”

-M. F. Cornelius