CHARLOTTE - Little is known about jesus's teenage years, the bible seems to skip a large chunk of the religious figures life, opting to, as Pope John Paul II put it, "Get to the good shit". But last Tuesday morning a small group of archeologists digging in Israel found an ancient piece of parchment that may shed some light on the thirty year gap.
The National Center of Historical Study, a small outfit of archeologists and middle eastern historians, were digging just west of Costellobad, Israel when Dr. Laura Hoopcycle discovered the parchment.
" At first I thought it was just a Hardees rapper, we had had Hardees that day, and I know what you're thinking, where did we find a hardees in Israel. We were surprised too. Plus this...." Dr. Hoopcycle went on to say, " ... called Checkers. Anyway, I took a closer look and saw what it was. Man, if they had a Jack in the box out here I w..."
Needless to say the team was excited to find the document. The piece of parchment, two-thousand and seven years old, is a notebook sized piece of sheep skin. And though faded, the lettering was still somewhat readable. The national center for history study, or whatever it was called, believes it is a letter from god to an eighteen year old Jesus.
The following is what is believed to be an accurate translation of the letter.
"Jesus,
Hey buddy. Sorry I couldn't make it to you're graduation, I had to go to Africa and starve babies to death. Lol right.
Anyway, talked to Marry, she told me about that whole "Traveling the land" thing. Listen buddy, I respect whatever decision you make, but I don't know if it's such a good idea right now. I did some reading and it said that half the kids who didn't go to college right out of high school never go. Plus I see all things, past, present and future and know that you're not going to go. So why am I writing this right? Yeah well, just know that whatever you do I'm still proud of you.
Love, God
p.s.- I'm totally cool with gays now. So make sure that gets out, otherwise some horrible things may happen to gay teenagers. Could you imagine?"
Baptist Americans have decided to add the letter to the King James Bible and rename it "The Hardees Scroll Bible", Episcopalians are still unsure of the documents legitimacy and the Catholic church tolerates child molestation so who gives a fuck what they think.
UPDATE: Second letter found written by Jesus to God telling him to stop being so goddamn judgmental: "YOU DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE EITHER!!!"
Author - Z. A. Aycock
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