STARS OF THE JERSEY SHORE THWART ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

For years people have been anticipating our eventual extinction at the hands of roving hordes of zombies. It has sparked many debates about what someone should do in event that the dead do start rising from their graves; there have even been several survival guides on the subject. No matter how many scenarios have been considered what really happened was never even considered in the realm of possibility.

The details about what caused the outbreak are still sketchy; all this reporter knows is that the first reported sighting of the infected was in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The undead headed east and multiplied at an alarming rate. Calls went out to the local authorities and the National Guard while those who could get out of the path of the wave of undead did so.

As the zombies approached the house where the Jersey Shore is filmed, the crew of the MTV series began their evacuation. When the crew attempted to inform the cast of the impending danger the cast members refused to leave. Hopped up on a near lethal dose of Jägerbombs the cast members grabbed whatever items they could use as a weapon and went out to confront the approaching threat.

Accounts of eyewitnesses, trapped and unable to escape their houses, all portray the same scene. When the Jersey Shore cast members approached the zombies, the zombies hesitated. The constant repetition of the word brains seemed to come in a more questioning tone. The zombies started milling around unsure of what to do, their forward momentum spent. After several hours of boasting how awesome they were the Jersey Shore cast bashed a few zombies on the head, got bored, and left. In those hours the authorities were able to gather and eliminate all of the zombie infected.

If it weren’t for the brainless members of the Jersey Shore the zombies would have spread into a much wider area and multiplied to such numbers that the authorities wouldn’t have been able to stop them. Sadly enough their heroism will have to be remembered posthumously as a National Guardsmen opened fire and mowed them down in fit of rage over the downfall of American television.
This reporter is sure glad that the threat of the zombie apocalypse is over. Now we can start preparing for the takeover of our robot overlords.

UPDATE: After examining the bodies of the first zombie outbreak members it was revealed that they were in fact the cast of recently cancelled show the Hills. MTV producers flew them into town to guest star on the Jersey Shore in the hopes that they would boost ratings. Scientists believe that their extreme cases of anorexia had mutated into an overwhelming and contagious hunger. Psychologists add that their overwhelming desire to recapture the celebrity spotlight transformed into a rabid need to consume the public whose attention they craved.


T. A. Berger