T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: Under The Dome

Today I'll be reviewing Stephen King's Under The Dome. This book is a dark look into the abuse of authority under special circumstances. At the beginning of the book a giant, invisible dome is dropped over Chester Mill, a small town in Maine. The town stays peaceful for as long as possible, that is until the crooked politicians and police force begin to abuse Chester Mill's population.

I didn't read it.

You think I care if cops beat on a bunch of corn fed white people? I don't. That dome does more than prevent people from going in and out of that town, it makes cops equal opportunists. Now the towns people get to know what it would be like if someone like me lived there.


And I know that people who read my other two reviews think I'm never going to read anything Inquisitive Online sends me. That is simply not true. I love books. I love reading books. I love the feel of books. I love the way books smell. I like to cook, which rhymes with book.

And the whole time I'm not reading books like Under The Dome I'm reading other books. And I know what you're thinking, why don't I review those books? To which I say DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY BOOK REVIEW!!!!!!

Now if Inquisitive online would send the kinds of books I like to read, I would read them. And the kinds of books I like to read are good books. And if my editor were so goddamn inquisitive he would have asked me about that.

So yeah, I didn't read this book but it's awful. Plus why would you give your money to a weirdo like Stephen King. He'll just spend the money on anime figures, bow-ties and whatever else nerds like him buy.

And also, Z. A. Aycock, go fuck yourself.


T. C. Beverly

Confused Bill Cosby Has A Surprise Sit Down With Barack Obama

Secret service were sent into a panic this morning after an intruder made it into the oval office. Two dozen men in black suits, guns drawn, rushed in to a very bizarre scene: President Barack Obama sitting in Bill Cosby's lap.

Apparently Dr. Cosby, who was in town for a black youth conference, got confused and wandered deep into the hallways of the white house.  He managed to get past three security check points. When asked why they let him by the guards said,

"It's Bill Cosby."

Cosby, now 74, has been getting confused alot lately due to a new type of medication the comedian is taking, and also because he's so old.

Press secretary, Joe Carney, spoke briefly on the matter at an official White House press conference later in the day.

"The president is fine. He was a little startled by Dr. Cosby, but was eventually calmed by the fact that he was talking to Cliff Huxtable. It was awesome."
 
And from what we understand from emerging details, the president was in fact talking to Dr. Huxtable. Bill Cosby entered the oval office wearing one of his trademark, multicolored sweaters, holding a large sandwich made in the White House kitchen.
 
"He kept calling the President "Rudy"."

Apparently Bill Cosby sat the president down and talked to him about the number of vacations he was taking.
"Rudy, I know your job is thankless. I know those kids at school..." we think he was referring to republicans "... are being mean to you. They're calling you names. But you can't just run away to Hawaii every time you feel intimidated."

"But they're always mean to me" responded the president despite himself.

"Well..... where am I?"

It was then that the 74 year old came to. Cosby's people laughed it off and said they were just happy to find him.

So could this incident actually have an effect on the president? Hopefully. It will be interesting to see if President Obama takes less vacation over the rest of his one term. We will keep you updated.


UPDATE: 81 year old Clint Eastwood kills forty criminals in San Francisco.



Z. A. Aycock

CBS Crime Drama NCIS Leading Candidate In Republican Primaries.

Our next president?

Alot of factors go into being popular amongst republican voters. You have to appeal to seniors, you can't be too complicated for simple people and having a military edge doesn't hurt. Rick Perry has all three of these, being in the air force and also being dumb, Ron Paul has none of these. 

The field of candidates have been swarming red states and swing states alike. They want people to know their name above all others. 

Lately Rick Perry has been leading the pack, with the last two major polls showing him ahead of Michele  Brahmann and Mitt Romney. But Yesterday the results of a poll conducted by Townhall.com shows a new front runner.  


CBS's highest rated procedural crime drama NCIS has swept the republican base off it's feet.  The show's lack of creativity, lack of any realistic anti-culture and lack of funny jokes has had republicans identifying with it for years, not unlike The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Plus it has what republicans love most: alot of white people with tucked in shirts. 


When asked if it was possible for a t.v. program to be elected president, political expert Frank Luntz said, "Well, technically it is a creative entity made up of people and there is no law against creative entities being elected into executive  power". When asked if it had any chance of winning Luntz said, "When it comes to white people in tucked in shirts, conservatives just can't help themselves". 


This is true. I think we all remember last years senatorial election in Kansas where a manikin, wearing a blue denim shirt tucked into khaki cargo pants, won a landslide victory against his democratic contender. 


Plus, with it's experience foiling terrorist plots and saving Americans, though fictional, NCIS is sure to make a name for itself in the coming months. The entire cast released this statement through CBS, 


"We at NCIS pledge to the American people that we will fight against the hypocrisy in Washington, protect the sanctity of marriage and deliver heart pounding suspense every Tuesday at 8/7c." 


Yup, that's what it's come to. 

UPDATE: NCIS implicated in scheme to profit from teacher life insurance. Made sick deal with foreign bank. Hardly any media coverage of it. Amazingly still on track to become president.






Z. A. Aycock

Disturbing Trend Of Blogs Using Key Words Like Twilight, Bieber, Sex and Kardashian To Increase Blog Traffic.

Kim Kardashian

The art of blogging, and it is an art form, is 2% blog and 98% integrity. If you don't have integrity you can't make it in this business. A proclamation I'm completely willing to make only two weeks after starting my first blog. You're responsibility as a blogger is to deliver the message you set out to deliver without compromising your blog. 


Well apparently some bloggers didn't get that memo.  


It has come to Inquisitive Online's attention that there is disturbing trend going on inside the blogosphere, or blogosdome if you're a fixed earth christian, that many bloggers are using a cheap trick called result netting. Result netting is when a blogger, or journalist, arbitrarily adds popular search subjects in their article just to up the amount of searches they'll be included in. 

An example of this is if I were to say: Justin Bieber hasn't seen the latest Twilight movie because he was watching porn and having sex with Barack Obama. 


Just in that sentence I mentioned five popular web searches. Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama. By just mentioning those things the probability that this site will be discovered has increased. And the number of times I say Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama increases the articles relevance in those search results.

The fact that bloggers would use terms like Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama just to get their site discovered is abhorrent. And it's not just Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama that these people are using. They're also using words like Selena Gomez, interracial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga in sentences like... 


" Selena Gomez gave Lady Gaga an interaccial golden shower while looking up the company  history of Amazon on wikipedia." 


This stuff is happening all of the time. All of the time. Merely in the hopes of beefing up page views and blog followers. I refuse to stoop to the level of merely mentioning Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga to get more followers. Because my followers want news stories and facts, not  Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga. 


I just hope that bloggers and journalists read this, and feel ashamed of what they're doing. Because it is shameful. Almost as shameful as Kim Kardashians dress at her wedding which can now be seen at... 


http://www.eonline.com/news/kim_kardashians_blinging_bridal/259704


Shameful! 


Update: Justin Bieber actually hasn't seen the latest twilight movie. Hmmm, story?



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Language Of Flowers

Vanessa Diffenbaugh's novel, The Language Of The Flowers, is a tale about a young orphan named Victoria Jones. Victoria has encountered all forms of abuse in her lifetime being both in and out of her foster-care. In the present Victoria is on her own and living in a public park. If this plot seems tragic to you, it might please you to know that  the story is about redemption and overcoming greats odds. Victoria overcomes those odds with her special love for flowers. She's very talented at planting and arranging flowers. The people who meet her notice and are ultimately changed by the young women and her hobby.  


A homeless girl talented at...arranging flowers. ...really? That's the synopsis you give me?
  
Off the bat, you should know by now why I didn't, haven't and wont read this book. First of all, botany is not a talent. Not in my eyes at least, so if you think I'm gonna be cow-towed into being wowed by some snaggle toothed broad ( I assume all homeless people look like June Carter-Cash and have no teeth), putting the tulips with the tulips and the daisies with the daisies, you should rethink who you want on your this feature. I may not be a very smart man, but it takes a little more than color coordination to impress me. 


 I'll tell you something else: little fun fact about me. I've spent a fair amount of time on the bottom of the social financial ladder. I wouldn't go so far to say i was homeless, but  the house had no electricity, no food, and we had to use the community pool to shower (sorry to my neighbors that may read this that didn't know that fact. Little Timmy was swimming in uncle T.C's bath water). So yeah, I went hungry, went dirty, went thirsty, and lonely because surprise surprise, apparently its hard to get women to come over to your house when they cant see their way up the stairs. In any case, you know what i didn't do? I DIDN'T GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO LET PEOPLE SEE MY "TALENT" IN BOTANY! THEREFORE I WAS STUCK! I don't even know if I'd have been good at it. I didn't get time to see because I was busy TRYING TO FIND A JOB! LIKE A LEGITIMATE PERSON IN FINANCIAL TURMOIL SHOULD BE DOING! NOT FUCKIN' AROUND WITH DANDELIONS! 


 By the way, that shit can fly because she's a woman. Let a homeless man come along and say, "hey, i can arrange your flowers if you need" ...that guys getting the cops called on him. God forbid its a black man. We don't have societal importance as white people have, if we're homeless, who cares. We're just another statistic to you. Now say this "statistic" comes to you talking about flowers and what not.  
"Get this gay jiggaboo away from me!!!"  


And yes that's two articles with the word jigaboo in it, but honestly, that's how I feel you white people go around thinking of us. I know the editor does. He says it every week.  


"Hey, what kind of stupid ass book can i give this lil' jig to talk about. Dance, monkey, dance." 

"The language of the flowers", nonsense. How dare you. How dare you, Vanessa Diffenbaugh. Insult Americas' intelligence. I understand I shouldn't downplay or down talk a piece of literature I haven't read, because it's a form of art and expression merely for entertainment, because somewhere around the world someone is entertained, or god forbid inspired by the book ( those people are called nincompoops, imbeciles and idiots, by the way).  


But honestly, I'm not buying it. Based on the synopsis I read on amazon. ...how are you really talented at something like arranging flowers? sometimes I feel the same when people say it about athletes, but then I remember it takes hard work and energy to do things athletes do. I cant run back and forth chasing a ball for 60 minutes.Ii breathe heavy when i eat too fast. So yeah, athletes are talents. Even reading is talent. Making a basket case isn't. Just because you can get a degree in it, doesn't make it legit.  


But who am I? just a poor black man, trying to make it in a world where a goofy, financially immature woman can make some flowers match and survive, yet I gotta do stupid things to get my life straight and make out of this world, sacrifice and still struggle just to get by. And by get by, i mean hate my life, shove "the man's" poop back up my own butt and sit here writing stupid ass literary reviews about some shit you KNOW i have no interest in reading. But you know why it's ok? Cause its the white man's world, that's right. 


Last thing, if this was a black lady doing this, the story would be about how a white person taught her how to arrange flowers. Just saying. So fuck this book. Fuck this homeless girl. Fuck this review. Fuck the author and most importantly, FUCK YOU AYCOCK! DON'T YOU EVER....NOT NEVER! SEND ME SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!
  
...I'll see you next week.


T. C. Beverly

Ironic mustache, sincere murder: a profile of Portlands hipster serial killer.

Hipster Strangler

Charlotte - Remember when Portland used to be safe? Portland.... it's a city.... in Oregon. Anyways, it turns out  it's a real city, and it's not safe anymore, because there's a serial killer on the loose.

It's only been three weeks since Caleb Westin, a twenty three year old drummer, band promoter, hipster blogger and car wash manager was killed on his way home from a gig. A group of vagabonds barely made it to the scene before Caleb passed. His last words were, " Like I care".

Police said he was strangled to death by a hand woven noose made of yarn. That noose would only be the first. Since then five other twenty somethings named Caleb,also hipster bloggers, also coming home from gigs, have been strangled. We asked Police Chief Bernard Rheon if this was an amazing coincidence.

" No it's not amazing at all. If you randomly strangle a twenty something male in Portland their name will probably be Caleb, they'll probably be a hipster blogger, and their probably coming home from a gig."

We asked Chief Rheon  how much was known about what has been labeled the Hipster Strangler.

"  So far we've only had one witness, but they tell us that the killer is himself a hipster. He wears a low "v-neck", a pair of grey jeans several sizes too small and a pair of horned rimmed sun glasses. They also told us he has a mustache which is "ironic"."

I asked what race the killer was causing me and Chief Rheon to have a nice long laugh.

I speak for myself when I say that this story has been especially hard to write because the death of a hipster, however it may happen, draws such little attention from the public. Almost no one cares when a hipster dies. I don't care either. In fact, last sentence of the article.

UPDATE: Letter from killer sent to Inquisitive Online. Didn't read it. Still don't care.


Z. A. Aycock

Popular Historian Comes Out Of Retirement To Change Position on Nazi Gold

Alexander Palka, 2008

Charlotte - It's been three years since popular English author Alexander Palka retired from writing, but not before releasing his bestseller  N-Au-zi, a non-fiction book about the fortunes Hitlers third Reich took from its victims and dispensed in various locations around the world, more commonly known as Nazi gold. Many of my more chemically savvy readers may have noticed Palka's clever inclusion of gold's chemical symbol, Au, into the word Nazi. "I'm proud of the title" said Palka when we interviewed him in 2009.


Throughout the entire novel Palka made the case that all money or gold traced back to the victims of Hitler's army must be seized by the Interpol and dispensed evenly amongst the victims families.


Palka famously used the final chapter of N-Au-zi to announce his retirement and decision to move on to his true love, reflooring old Argentinean homes.


" I spent three years of my youth in Argentina and the thing that stuck with me the most was how beautiful the homes were. Especially the older ones.  I've always wanted to go back and and renovate them. To save them from becoming dilapidated, condemned and eventually demolished." Palka went on to say. "And as many of my readers know when my career wasn't going so well, at least as well as it is now, I took up reflooring old houses to make rent. I think I'd like to go back to that".


And he did.


For the last three years Alexander Palka has been doing exactly what he said he was going to to do. He's been living in Argentina, fixing up old houses and running a reflooring business. Living out his days in sunny Argentina with beautiful his wife, Leslie, and their five year old daughter, Marie. It was the perfect ending to an amazing life story.
  
That is until three months ago when Palka ended his business and came out of retirement.


" We we're reflooring this old mansion, it's owner had just died, and everything was pretty normal" says Caesar Malendez, a former employee of Mr. Palka. " Then, all of the sudden he started acting very strange. He started saying stuff like, "Why the fuck did I have to talk all that shit?" and "It's gonna be hard to justify this one"".


Soon after he began acting strange he fired his employees, sold his reflooring business and moved to Switzerland. After several months of silence Mr. Palka resurfaced. Or in this case, it was Mr. Palka's new press agent who stuck his head out releasing the following press release.


Fans of Alexander Palka's works should be excited to learn that just three years after releasing N-Au-zi Mr. Palka has written another masterpiece. They should be even more excited to learn the book will be on the same subject that grabbed their imagination in N-Au-zi, but this time from a less pessimistic point of view. The new book will be titled, "Au Come On". A book from the perspective of someone with realistic views about what may, or may not have happened in Germany almost seventy years ago. 


The following is an excerpt for the new book,


It's not like the money killed anyone. And the people the money belonged to, well, they're not missing it. So I don't know why if an honest business owner, and this is all hypothetical mind you, but if an honest business man were reflooring an old Argentinean mansion and found eighty-million in euros under the bathroom floor, he should be able to keep it. Now I want to examine the word hypocrite... 


Well, whatever happened to Alexander Palka while he was reflooring that mansion, one thing is for sure, euros looks weird when written down. You'd think it would be "euroes", maybe even capitalized but nope. It's just euros. This is Z. A. Aycock from charlotte, sending it back to you Dan.

Angry Birds Fans Outraged By Games Hidden Allegorical Basis.

Jaakko Lisalo

Since being released in December, 2009, the Rovio computer game Angry Birds, published by Chillingo, has been an international hit. As of this year the game has been downloaded twelve million times, twenty-four times more than Maroon 5's last album. Not to mention the fact that Angry Birds merchandise has been moving non-stop off the games website. People love wearing sweaters with the trademark red bird on the front. And why wouldn't they?  

There was never any reason to root against the angry bird's and their mission to topple towers and kill the pigs sitting inside. Never a reason, until now.  

Recently on assignment in Finland ( I don't have to explain shit to you) I found myself in a fancy restaurant eating a Kaalikääryle on Inquisitive Online's dime. I was halfway through, well on my way to the Laskiaispulla, when I noticed a small, unassuming man on the other side of the restaurant. He was raising his voice and being derogatory toward his waiter. After a few moments of observing the man I realized who this rude person was. No, not Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Lavine who you'd totally expect to do something shitty like that. No, it was Angry Birds creator Jaakko Lisalo. 

Liaslo was clearly drunk, despite it being only three in the afternoon. I decided to try my luck and see if I could get an interview with him for the website. So I asked him if he minded talking on the record for a little while. He didn't. 

Liaslo: Inquisitive Online, I totally love you guys. You are so much better than the onion! 
Me: Yes we are. Thanks for noticing. 
Liaslo: *coughs Do you have any horse on you? I'm feeling a little sick. 
Me: No, but dad owns a ranch. 
Liaslo: ... 
Me: So first things first, how is Jaakko Liaslo enjoying the success of Angry Birds. 
Liaslo: I'm loving it. We never thought our little game would be this decades "Pacman". I'm so rich. 
Me: Well you deserve it. The games is great. But I've always wondered about the plot. Where did you get those ideas? Birds exacting revenge on pigs in towers. 
Liaslo: Err... 
Me: Come on Liaslo, it's me you're talking too. 
Liaslo: That's a good point. I'm not supposed to tell people this but... well let's just say I got the idea in 2001. 
Me: ?  
Liaslo: September, 2001. 
Me: ? 
Liaslo: Seriously dude? 
Me: Wait a second. 

And then it hit me like a ton of unsold Maroon 5 records. Angry Birds was an allegory for 9/11. Liaslo went on about about this horse of his, but by then my mind was reeling. After a few minutes I politely got up and left. "How did no one notice this?" is what I repeated to myself while walking through the streets of Helsinki.  

Looking back it seems obvious. The birds are clearly middle eastern. They're always angry, you can't understand what there saying and some of them have unibrows. 


Not to mention the fact that the whole game consists of level after level of birds sacrificing their lives to topple towers, killing it's defenseless inhabitants.       

The only thing I can't understand is why they would used cartoon pigs to represent Americans. It doesn't make any sense.


Last week Brian Williams broke this story because A. I keep loosing track of my notebooks and B. Brian Williams is a fucking thief. Needless to say Americans were outraged. Downloads for the game have come to a near halt, hardly making Maroon 5 numbers. 

EA Games, now owner of the Angry Birds title, has apologized several times stating they weren't aware of the games offensive origins. Even going as far as to release a new game called "Justice Pigs", in which the pigs go into caves and splatter the birds brains all over the walls. Despite this there is little hope that EA will be able to save the franchise. 


And the bad news doesn't end there.  


Maroon 5 has announced plans to release a fourth album within the year. President Barack Obama was quoted as saying, "This will be the Maroon 5 album to break Americas' spirit". Indeed Obama. Indeed. 


UPDATE: Carl Rove has denied any connection to Rovio after literally no one asked. 


Z. A. Aycock

Yet Another Conversation About Semi-Colon's Ends In Disaster.

According to the most recent data released by researchers at Stanford's

Center for the Study of Language and Information (CSLI), there exists a

correlation between usage of certain punctuation and specific personality

types, and even disorders. Lead researcher Professor Peter Stanley explained, "For

example, the semi colon is the only punctuation in the English language

that can always be replaced with either alternate punctuation such as a

comma or period, or linking words such as 'and' or 'but'. This means that

there is never a situation where use of a semi colon is mandated by the

rules of English grammar."

So if the semi colon is more or less superfluous, who is using it and why?

Stanley said, "Our data demonstrated a strong link between use of semi

colons and debilitating insecurity regarding intellect. Furthermore, we can

extrapolate that the less secure one is in their intellectual ability, the

more likely they are to use semi colons, and vice versa. Someone who uses a

some uneducated rube who desperately wants to impress people with something

lot of semi colons is likely the stupidest of several siblings, or just

as absurd as 'fancy' punctuation."

When asked if some of this reporter's writings had been sourced in this research, and if this was meant as some kind of personal attack, Prof. Stanley quickly changed the topic of conversation by pointing out my defensive tone. Not easily sidetracked, this tenacious reporter reasserted that this “study” was just some kind of put on or joke that was only meant to make me feel stupid. Stanley cruelly laughed in my face and called me a “fucking idiot”.

When pressed about his moronic use of stupid fucking emoticons in personal correspondence and doesn't that make him a look like a juvenile asshole, Professor Stanley demanded to know how I had obtained his email password. When told that “TooCute;)” was pretty easy to guess considering the absolute retardation of the jackass in question, Stanley flipped this reporter off and stated for the record, “Fuck you dude! You don't hack someone's email and read it! That shit is fucking personal! You are way the fuck out of line!”

The interview was abruptly ended. Professor Peter Stanley could not be reached for further comment. 

M. F. Cornelius

Anti Nitric Oxide Campaign Pumping Up Fast

Patty Fox

Richmond- Reacting to news of the accidental Nitric Oxide overdose that resulted in the death of 18 year old aspiring bodybuilder and Richmond's First Baptist Church goer Richard Lockwood, members of the church launched

a campaign to educate young people on the dangers of overusing Nitric Oxide, a common ingredient in fitness supplements.

"Nitric oxide is commonly used by athletes and body builders," Explained campaign organizer Patty Fox, "When ingested, it dissolves
 in the bloodstream, dilating the veins. This vasodilation does not decrease the volume of blood the heart pumps, but rather it decreases the force the heart muscle must exert to pump the same volume of blood. Taken in small

doses, the drug can prolong stamina during endurance activities, but if the dose is too high the result can be fatal."

Fox's group began speaking at schools and distributing informational

pamphlets to raise awareness of the issue. "We recognized from the start

that we were a small group, and for us to have a significant impact, we

needed some kind of catchy hook. Something to get kids interested and

spread the word," said Fox, "That's when we came up with the idea of using

social networking to get the message out. When we spoke to kids in school,

we encouraged them to show their support by adding our little logo to their

Facebook and Twitter profile pictures."

The groups logo is the letters NO (the chemical sign for Nitric Oxide), stacked on top of H8, a pseudo rebus for the word hate. According to Fox, the logo is meant to symbolize the core message that the group is trying to send: No tolerance for abusing Nitric Oxide.

Word has spread surprisingly quickly. Literally thousands of teens and young adults have embraced the group's message by adding the NO H8 logo to their social networking accounts."We've seen our logo on accounts from around the world! I had no idea we'd be such a smash success! We've even seen quite a few photos posted to a website called Flickr where people have

painted our logo right on their faces!"

With all of the group's sudden success, has come some unexpected circumstances. The anti Nitric Oxide message seems for some reason to have resonated quite strongly with the gay community. The Christian based group, while somewhat baffled by the response, is receptive to the support.

"We all know homosexuality is a sin, and it makes God sad to know that some

of his children are rejecting him to live a sinful lifestyle, but if the gay community can save just one young Christian athlete from over dosing on Nitric Oxide, then we think it's worth it," Stated Fox, "God works in mysterious ways!"

-M. F. Cornelius

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Help

Introduction by Inquisitive Online editor Z. A. Aycock


We at Inquisitive Online are overjoyed to introduce our new segment, T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday. Mr. Beverly is an exciting young african american journalist with a love for literature. His enthusiasm toward the books he reads is refreshing, but it will not prevent him from being critical when he needs to be.  So to start things off, here's T. C. Beverly's review of Katheryn Stockett's bestseller, "The Help".

 Katheryn Stockett's "The Help", is a look into the 1960's Jim Crow south. Where the few forms of interaction between black people and white people is the interaction between horrendously mistreated black maids and the southern housewives who employ them. When Inquisitive Online asked me to review this book, a single thought immediately rose in my mind.

Fuck that.

 I need some help understanding why the hell Inquisitive Online thought I would read this bullshit. Because I'm black? It better not be because I'm black. I was more than happy to do a weekly book review for them, and then I get this bullshit in the mail. Well two words, fuck that.

As far as I know "The Help" is a book made for the specific reason of helping white people sooth their white guilt. Well you know what, not forgiven. You wanna help your white guilt? How about a little more black doctor literature and a little less black maid literature.  Also, "The Help"? What, "Jiggaboo with a duster" wasn't available. 

And of course they made a movie. Honestly, between all of the books and comics turned into movies this summer, it's obvious that hollywood is running out of ideas. And when someone tries to help them by writing  a completely original script about a literary writer who sees the ghosts of sexy white actresses of yester year, they ignore his letters and make "The Help" instead. I've got a part for Emma Stone Right here. Literally. She'd be great as Marylin Monroe. 

Long story short, the book "The Help", which i didn't even read mind you, is garbage. And if you ever, EVER send me some junk like that to read again, I'm going to institute a white slave market. By which I mean I'm going to kidnap that patronizing editor dude and beat the shit out of him.

T. C. Beverly 

STARS OF THE JERSEY SHORE THWART ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

For years people have been anticipating our eventual extinction at the hands of roving hordes of zombies. It has sparked many debates about what someone should do in event that the dead do start rising from their graves; there have even been several survival guides on the subject. No matter how many scenarios have been considered what really happened was never even considered in the realm of possibility.

The details about what caused the outbreak are still sketchy; all this reporter knows is that the first reported sighting of the infected was in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The undead headed east and multiplied at an alarming rate. Calls went out to the local authorities and the National Guard while those who could get out of the path of the wave of undead did so.

As the zombies approached the house where the Jersey Shore is filmed, the crew of the MTV series began their evacuation. When the crew attempted to inform the cast of the impending danger the cast members refused to leave. Hopped up on a near lethal dose of Jägerbombs the cast members grabbed whatever items they could use as a weapon and went out to confront the approaching threat.

Accounts of eyewitnesses, trapped and unable to escape their houses, all portray the same scene. When the Jersey Shore cast members approached the zombies, the zombies hesitated. The constant repetition of the word brains seemed to come in a more questioning tone. The zombies started milling around unsure of what to do, their forward momentum spent. After several hours of boasting how awesome they were the Jersey Shore cast bashed a few zombies on the head, got bored, and left. In those hours the authorities were able to gather and eliminate all of the zombie infected.

If it weren’t for the brainless members of the Jersey Shore the zombies would have spread into a much wider area and multiplied to such numbers that the authorities wouldn’t have been able to stop them. Sadly enough their heroism will have to be remembered posthumously as a National Guardsmen opened fire and mowed them down in fit of rage over the downfall of American television.
This reporter is sure glad that the threat of the zombie apocalypse is over. Now we can start preparing for the takeover of our robot overlords.

UPDATE: After examining the bodies of the first zombie outbreak members it was revealed that they were in fact the cast of recently cancelled show the Hills. MTV producers flew them into town to guest star on the Jersey Shore in the hopes that they would boost ratings. Scientists believe that their extreme cases of anorexia had mutated into an overwhelming and contagious hunger. Psychologists add that their overwhelming desire to recapture the celebrity spotlight transformed into a rabid need to consume the public whose attention they craved.


T. A. Berger

People Who Don't Understand How The Internet Works Worry It May Be Running Out Of Space.

Mariana Schindler

Charlotte - Seventy-five year old Mariana Schindler likes to sit on her porch in Tifton, Georgia and use her Macbook, or as she likes to call it,  "the traveling computer". She enjoys the Foxnews.com and loves her online scrabble. But something worries her, her and thousands of other internet users her age.

"How are scientists supposed to load their blogs if the internet is full?" Says Mrs. Schindler. " When it eventually happens, I don't want to be the one saying oh no. I want to be the one saying I told you so."

It was that exact thinking that led Mariana to found CAIO, it's obviously an anagram but Mrs. Schindler asked that I only use the Anagram as to reduce the ammount of intenet taken up by my article. But surely this explanation has drastically undercut that point.

Aaaaanyways, since founding CAIO over 9,000 people have decided to join her cause. The 9,000 members are a diverse group consisting of seniors.

Mariana keeps her followers informed with a monthly newsletter, sent through federal mail, that includes the following tips for reducing their presence online.

o  Delete all e-mails as soon as you read them. Make sure you're inbox is always empty.
o  Avoid google searches with more than four results.
o   No porn. This has nothing to do with taking up space, god is watching.

So, does Mrs. Schindler have a point? No. No she does not. But she'll never understand that. She's never going to wikipedia Internet protocol suite. She doesn't know what wikipedia is, if she did she would be pissed. So in conclusion, let old people think what they want. They'll all be dead soon.

Z. A. Aycock

Mental Health Authorities Concerned for Tiger Woods After Awesome Press Conference Meltdown

Atlanta- Sunday afternoon, Atlanta psychologist Johnathon Huey voiced concerns regarding the mental health of once lauded golfer Tiger Woods in an interview with a local news station, citing distressing remarks made by Woods at a press conference called by Woods to address his recent failure to qualify for the PGA Championship earlier that day. Huey was not alone in his remarks calling for the “Immediate institutional commitment of Tiger Woods”, as celebrity doctors Drew Pinsky, Sanjay Gupta, and Phil McGraw held a joint press conference pleading with authorities to take Woods into custody “For his own safety”.

Woods stated at his press conference that “I have played a game of golf pretty fucking poorly. Boo fucking hoo. Poor me, right? I guess I only have two choices left right now: I can either go home and paint the walls with my brains, or I can fuck just about any hot blond twenty two year old waitress I want on a giant pile of money and caviar until my balls shrivel up like a couple of raisins and I forget that I didn't do very well at golf today. Hmm, wonder what I'm gonna do. Go fuck yourselves.”

Woods then fanned himself with a stack of hundred dollar bills and exposed his penis, causing brief pandemonium as ladies rushed the podium to suckle. Two women sustained serious injuries in the fray and were hospitalized.

Dr. Huey noted that Woods tone “Was belligerent and derisive. This is the language of a man about to take extreme action.” Huey went on to tell interviewers, “ Mr. Woods must feel that he has nothing left to live for, and understandably so. What good is an unending procession of women that want to sleep with you if you aren't as good at golf as you used to be? Other than to hold all your billions of dollars for you while you drive Italian sports cars though Paris, I mean.”

Said Dr. Drew Pinsky at the subsequent conference of Woods chilling comments, “A man in this state is completely unpredictable. While he may simply decide to go ass to mouth on one or more young sluts in the back of a limo with a pool inside of it, I am very concerned that a suicide attempt is imminent.”

McGraw added, “Now you can get fucked and sucked by any number of tight eager little bitches that will gladly do literally ANYTHING you say in your multimillion dollar home while any one of your dozen servants films the whole affair because you no longer have some bitter ice queen of an ex model hanging around to ruin your fun, but let me ask you this: if you played one game of golf really averagely...I mean REALLY averagely, you'd kill your self, right?”

Dr. Gupta had this to say, “As Associate Chief of the neurosurgery service at Grady Memorial Hospital here in Atlanta, I can tell you unequivocally that the human mind is simply not wired to withstand the trauma of delivering a relatively speaking, poor performance in the game of golf. We are talking about a man who finished 10 over par! Some cold comfort getting balls deep in a big tittied bimbo is gonna be. Sure you can choke 6 or even 8 sexy, sexy girls with your big throbbing tallywacker until you pop off in some one's eye, but I know for for a fact that shooting 77 and 73 at the Atlanta Athletic Club is going to make deep throating a glock look pretty damn appealing. Bottom line people, we need to get this man some help.”

Atlanta Police Chief George Turner said in a statement regarding the situation, “Golf is fucking dumb. I am a black man and I don't give a fuck about golf. Come on now, people.”

-M. F. Cornelius

Report: Business man Ross Perot Found Alive In Texas Home, Age 81

Earlier this morning Ross Perot's maid found the Texas Billionaire alive in his Dallas Home. "He was just sitting there, eating oatmeal", she says. No official word has been released yet from the Perot camp, but Inquisitive Online's doctor says a steady stream of blood coursing through the heart is probably the cause. This is rare amongst 81 year olds and is considered to be a freak occurrence. Ross Perot was, and still is, the founder of Electronic Data systems though he's probably more well know for his presidential run in 1996. Perot is the most successful person to ever run on a third party ticket in American history. A legacy his family is still enjoying, because he is alive. Inquisitive Online has reached out  to Mr. Perot's family and has gotten almost no replies aside from his son Ross Perot Jr. who sent us a text saying only, "You're an asshole". But we were able to reach out to Perot impressionist Dana Carvey who said, "You're an Asshole". I'm an asshole? He was the one who made "Master of Disguise". So there you have it, today is a very normal day for the loved ones of Ross Perot and anyone who knew, or still knows the man. EDITORS NOTE: We at Inquisitive Online are very aware of how offensive, and inaccurate, this article will probably be in the near future. At that point we will remove it, and by it I mean Ross Perot's name, and by remove I mean replace, with Casey Kasem. Author - Z. A. Aycock

New Evidence Shows That God May Have Been Disappointed In Jesus For Not Going To College.

CHARLOTTE - Little is known about jesus's teenage years, the bible seems to skip a large chunk of the religious figures life, opting to, as Pope John Paul II put it, "Get to the good shit".  But last Tuesday morning a small group of archeologists digging in Israel found an ancient piece of parchment that may shed some light on the thirty year gap.

The National Center of Historical Study, a small outfit of archeologists and middle eastern historians, were digging just west of Costellobad, Israel when Dr. Laura Hoopcycle discovered the parchment.

" At first I thought it was just a Hardees rapper, we had had Hardees that day, and I know what you're thinking, where did we find a hardees in Israel. We were surprised too. Plus this...." Dr. Hoopcycle went on to say, " ... called Checkers. Anyway, I took a closer look and saw what it was. Man, if they had a Jack in the box out here I w..."

Needless to say the team was excited to find the document. The piece of parchment, two-thousand and seven years old, is a notebook sized piece of sheep skin. And though faded, the lettering was still somewhat readable. The national center for history study, or whatever it was called, believes it is a letter from god to an eighteen year old Jesus.

The following is what is believed to be an accurate translation of the letter.


"Jesus,

Hey buddy. Sorry I couldn't make it to you're graduation, I had to go to Africa and starve babies to death. Lol right.

Anyway, talked to Marry, she told me about that whole "Traveling the land" thing. Listen buddy, I respect whatever decision you make, but I don't know if it's such a good idea right now. I did some reading and it said that half the kids who didn't go to college right out of high school never go. Plus I see all things, past, present and future and know that you're not going to go. So why am I writing this right? Yeah well, just know that whatever you do I'm still proud of you.

                                                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                Love, God

p.s.- I'm totally cool with gays now. So make sure that gets out, otherwise some horrible things may happen to gay teenagers. Could you imagine?"


Baptist Americans have decided to add the letter to the King James Bible and rename it "The Hardees Scroll Bible", Episcopalians are still unsure of the documents legitimacy and the Catholic church tolerates child molestation so who gives a fuck what they think.

UPDATE: Second letter found written by Jesus to God telling him to stop being so goddamn judgmental: "YOU DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE EITHER!!!"

Author - Z. A. Aycock