T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Help

Introduction by Inquisitive Online editor Z. A. Aycock


We at Inquisitive Online are overjoyed to introduce our new segment, T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday. Mr. Beverly is an exciting young african american journalist with a love for literature. His enthusiasm toward the books he reads is refreshing, but it will not prevent him from being critical when he needs to be.  So to start things off, here's T. C. Beverly's review of Katheryn Stockett's bestseller, "The Help".

 Katheryn Stockett's "The Help", is a look into the 1960's Jim Crow south. Where the few forms of interaction between black people and white people is the interaction between horrendously mistreated black maids and the southern housewives who employ them. When Inquisitive Online asked me to review this book, a single thought immediately rose in my mind.

Fuck that.

 I need some help understanding why the hell Inquisitive Online thought I would read this bullshit. Because I'm black? It better not be because I'm black. I was more than happy to do a weekly book review for them, and then I get this bullshit in the mail. Well two words, fuck that.

As far as I know "The Help" is a book made for the specific reason of helping white people sooth their white guilt. Well you know what, not forgiven. You wanna help your white guilt? How about a little more black doctor literature and a little less black maid literature.  Also, "The Help"? What, "Jiggaboo with a duster" wasn't available. 

And of course they made a movie. Honestly, between all of the books and comics turned into movies this summer, it's obvious that hollywood is running out of ideas. And when someone tries to help them by writing  a completely original script about a literary writer who sees the ghosts of sexy white actresses of yester year, they ignore his letters and make "The Help" instead. I've got a part for Emma Stone Right here. Literally. She'd be great as Marylin Monroe. 

Long story short, the book "The Help", which i didn't even read mind you, is garbage. And if you ever, EVER send me some junk like that to read again, I'm going to institute a white slave market. By which I mean I'm going to kidnap that patronizing editor dude and beat the shit out of him.

T. C. Beverly 

STARS OF THE JERSEY SHORE THWART ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

For years people have been anticipating our eventual extinction at the hands of roving hordes of zombies. It has sparked many debates about what someone should do in event that the dead do start rising from their graves; there have even been several survival guides on the subject. No matter how many scenarios have been considered what really happened was never even considered in the realm of possibility.

The details about what caused the outbreak are still sketchy; all this reporter knows is that the first reported sighting of the infected was in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The undead headed east and multiplied at an alarming rate. Calls went out to the local authorities and the National Guard while those who could get out of the path of the wave of undead did so.

As the zombies approached the house where the Jersey Shore is filmed, the crew of the MTV series began their evacuation. When the crew attempted to inform the cast of the impending danger the cast members refused to leave. Hopped up on a near lethal dose of Jägerbombs the cast members grabbed whatever items they could use as a weapon and went out to confront the approaching threat.

Accounts of eyewitnesses, trapped and unable to escape their houses, all portray the same scene. When the Jersey Shore cast members approached the zombies, the zombies hesitated. The constant repetition of the word brains seemed to come in a more questioning tone. The zombies started milling around unsure of what to do, their forward momentum spent. After several hours of boasting how awesome they were the Jersey Shore cast bashed a few zombies on the head, got bored, and left. In those hours the authorities were able to gather and eliminate all of the zombie infected.

If it weren’t for the brainless members of the Jersey Shore the zombies would have spread into a much wider area and multiplied to such numbers that the authorities wouldn’t have been able to stop them. Sadly enough their heroism will have to be remembered posthumously as a National Guardsmen opened fire and mowed them down in fit of rage over the downfall of American television.
This reporter is sure glad that the threat of the zombie apocalypse is over. Now we can start preparing for the takeover of our robot overlords.

UPDATE: After examining the bodies of the first zombie outbreak members it was revealed that they were in fact the cast of recently cancelled show the Hills. MTV producers flew them into town to guest star on the Jersey Shore in the hopes that they would boost ratings. Scientists believe that their extreme cases of anorexia had mutated into an overwhelming and contagious hunger. Psychologists add that their overwhelming desire to recapture the celebrity spotlight transformed into a rabid need to consume the public whose attention they craved.


T. A. Berger

People Who Don't Understand How The Internet Works Worry It May Be Running Out Of Space.

Mariana Schindler

Charlotte - Seventy-five year old Mariana Schindler likes to sit on her porch in Tifton, Georgia and use her Macbook, or as she likes to call it,  "the traveling computer". She enjoys the Foxnews.com and loves her online scrabble. But something worries her, her and thousands of other internet users her age.

"How are scientists supposed to load their blogs if the internet is full?" Says Mrs. Schindler. " When it eventually happens, I don't want to be the one saying oh no. I want to be the one saying I told you so."

It was that exact thinking that led Mariana to found CAIO, it's obviously an anagram but Mrs. Schindler asked that I only use the Anagram as to reduce the ammount of intenet taken up by my article. But surely this explanation has drastically undercut that point.

Aaaaanyways, since founding CAIO over 9,000 people have decided to join her cause. The 9,000 members are a diverse group consisting of seniors.

Mariana keeps her followers informed with a monthly newsletter, sent through federal mail, that includes the following tips for reducing their presence online.

o  Delete all e-mails as soon as you read them. Make sure you're inbox is always empty.
o  Avoid google searches with more than four results.
o   No porn. This has nothing to do with taking up space, god is watching.

So, does Mrs. Schindler have a point? No. No she does not. But she'll never understand that. She's never going to wikipedia Internet protocol suite. She doesn't know what wikipedia is, if she did she would be pissed. So in conclusion, let old people think what they want. They'll all be dead soon.

Z. A. Aycock

Mental Health Authorities Concerned for Tiger Woods After Awesome Press Conference Meltdown

Atlanta- Sunday afternoon, Atlanta psychologist Johnathon Huey voiced concerns regarding the mental health of once lauded golfer Tiger Woods in an interview with a local news station, citing distressing remarks made by Woods at a press conference called by Woods to address his recent failure to qualify for the PGA Championship earlier that day. Huey was not alone in his remarks calling for the “Immediate institutional commitment of Tiger Woods”, as celebrity doctors Drew Pinsky, Sanjay Gupta, and Phil McGraw held a joint press conference pleading with authorities to take Woods into custody “For his own safety”.

Woods stated at his press conference that “I have played a game of golf pretty fucking poorly. Boo fucking hoo. Poor me, right? I guess I only have two choices left right now: I can either go home and paint the walls with my brains, or I can fuck just about any hot blond twenty two year old waitress I want on a giant pile of money and caviar until my balls shrivel up like a couple of raisins and I forget that I didn't do very well at golf today. Hmm, wonder what I'm gonna do. Go fuck yourselves.”

Woods then fanned himself with a stack of hundred dollar bills and exposed his penis, causing brief pandemonium as ladies rushed the podium to suckle. Two women sustained serious injuries in the fray and were hospitalized.

Dr. Huey noted that Woods tone “Was belligerent and derisive. This is the language of a man about to take extreme action.” Huey went on to tell interviewers, “ Mr. Woods must feel that he has nothing left to live for, and understandably so. What good is an unending procession of women that want to sleep with you if you aren't as good at golf as you used to be? Other than to hold all your billions of dollars for you while you drive Italian sports cars though Paris, I mean.”

Said Dr. Drew Pinsky at the subsequent conference of Woods chilling comments, “A man in this state is completely unpredictable. While he may simply decide to go ass to mouth on one or more young sluts in the back of a limo with a pool inside of it, I am very concerned that a suicide attempt is imminent.”

McGraw added, “Now you can get fucked and sucked by any number of tight eager little bitches that will gladly do literally ANYTHING you say in your multimillion dollar home while any one of your dozen servants films the whole affair because you no longer have some bitter ice queen of an ex model hanging around to ruin your fun, but let me ask you this: if you played one game of golf really averagely...I mean REALLY averagely, you'd kill your self, right?”

Dr. Gupta had this to say, “As Associate Chief of the neurosurgery service at Grady Memorial Hospital here in Atlanta, I can tell you unequivocally that the human mind is simply not wired to withstand the trauma of delivering a relatively speaking, poor performance in the game of golf. We are talking about a man who finished 10 over par! Some cold comfort getting balls deep in a big tittied bimbo is gonna be. Sure you can choke 6 or even 8 sexy, sexy girls with your big throbbing tallywacker until you pop off in some one's eye, but I know for for a fact that shooting 77 and 73 at the Atlanta Athletic Club is going to make deep throating a glock look pretty damn appealing. Bottom line people, we need to get this man some help.”

Atlanta Police Chief George Turner said in a statement regarding the situation, “Golf is fucking dumb. I am a black man and I don't give a fuck about golf. Come on now, people.”

-M. F. Cornelius

Report: Business man Ross Perot Found Alive In Texas Home, Age 81

Earlier this morning Ross Perot's maid found the Texas Billionaire alive in his Dallas Home. "He was just sitting there, eating oatmeal", she says. No official word has been released yet from the Perot camp, but Inquisitive Online's doctor says a steady stream of blood coursing through the heart is probably the cause. This is rare amongst 81 year olds and is considered to be a freak occurrence. Ross Perot was, and still is, the founder of Electronic Data systems though he's probably more well know for his presidential run in 1996. Perot is the most successful person to ever run on a third party ticket in American history. A legacy his family is still enjoying, because he is alive. Inquisitive Online has reached out  to Mr. Perot's family and has gotten almost no replies aside from his son Ross Perot Jr. who sent us a text saying only, "You're an asshole". But we were able to reach out to Perot impressionist Dana Carvey who said, "You're an Asshole". I'm an asshole? He was the one who made "Master of Disguise". So there you have it, today is a very normal day for the loved ones of Ross Perot and anyone who knew, or still knows the man. EDITORS NOTE: We at Inquisitive Online are very aware of how offensive, and inaccurate, this article will probably be in the near future. At that point we will remove it, and by it I mean Ross Perot's name, and by remove I mean replace, with Casey Kasem. Author - Z. A. Aycock

New Evidence Shows That God May Have Been Disappointed In Jesus For Not Going To College.

CHARLOTTE - Little is known about jesus's teenage years, the bible seems to skip a large chunk of the religious figures life, opting to, as Pope John Paul II put it, "Get to the good shit".  But last Tuesday morning a small group of archeologists digging in Israel found an ancient piece of parchment that may shed some light on the thirty year gap.

The National Center of Historical Study, a small outfit of archeologists and middle eastern historians, were digging just west of Costellobad, Israel when Dr. Laura Hoopcycle discovered the parchment.

" At first I thought it was just a Hardees rapper, we had had Hardees that day, and I know what you're thinking, where did we find a hardees in Israel. We were surprised too. Plus this...." Dr. Hoopcycle went on to say, " ... called Checkers. Anyway, I took a closer look and saw what it was. Man, if they had a Jack in the box out here I w..."

Needless to say the team was excited to find the document. The piece of parchment, two-thousand and seven years old, is a notebook sized piece of sheep skin. And though faded, the lettering was still somewhat readable. The national center for history study, or whatever it was called, believes it is a letter from god to an eighteen year old Jesus.

The following is what is believed to be an accurate translation of the letter.


"Jesus,

Hey buddy. Sorry I couldn't make it to you're graduation, I had to go to Africa and starve babies to death. Lol right.

Anyway, talked to Marry, she told me about that whole "Traveling the land" thing. Listen buddy, I respect whatever decision you make, but I don't know if it's such a good idea right now. I did some reading and it said that half the kids who didn't go to college right out of high school never go. Plus I see all things, past, present and future and know that you're not going to go. So why am I writing this right? Yeah well, just know that whatever you do I'm still proud of you.

                                                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                Love, God

p.s.- I'm totally cool with gays now. So make sure that gets out, otherwise some horrible things may happen to gay teenagers. Could you imagine?"


Baptist Americans have decided to add the letter to the King James Bible and rename it "The Hardees Scroll Bible", Episcopalians are still unsure of the documents legitimacy and the Catholic church tolerates child molestation so who gives a fuck what they think.

UPDATE: Second letter found written by Jesus to God telling him to stop being so goddamn judgmental: "YOU DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE EITHER!!!"

Author - Z. A. Aycock