Millions of republicans asphyxiate after Obama endorses oxygen

Terrorist?

Charlotte - By now I'm sure there's no detail I could report that the reader isn't already aware of, so consider this to be more of a historical record than a news article.

Earlier today millions of Americans lost parents, grandparents, weird uncles and dick brothers when almost all republicans died of self induced asphyxia. As you already know it happened after Barack Obama publicly claimed the following,


" The respiratory system is used to deliver oxygen, which is essential to human life, to the blood stream. I love oxygen!"


It took mere seconds for the conservative backlash to begin. Hundreds of conservative websites spoke out against the gas and it's "liberal favoritism". In less than one minute there were over three million articles, pro and anti oxygen, posted on the internet.


By 12:00 pm the tea-party express founded the "End our reliance on O" Facebook group. Within the hour there were 2,000,000 likes, then there were 1,000,00, likes, then 800 likes. By the time the liking had ended, the stark realization of what had happened began.


The most memorable incident today was probably When Bill O'Reillys spoke with Sarah Palin on his special, "What's Oxygen Really Doing To America" special. The following is a transcript of that interview,


O'Reilly: Let me list off all of the people who have used this "oxygen" stuff. Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Bill Ayers, Fidel Castro, Charles Manson, Common, Osama Bin Laden. I mean, what else do you need?


Palin: Absolutely Bill. I think the American people are really concerned with the company the president keeps.

O'Reilly: Now to be fare, all complex life on Earth needs oxygen to survive, but I think it's important that conservatives, both voter and politician, say no more! In fact as of this moment, I'm quitting it. I'm done using this radicle, liberal gas that..... for years has been.... keeping....... conservatives at.......... bay.


Palin: I'm stopping too. To be honest I never really used that much..... but if it's....... what the American.... people......... want.


O'reilly: .....Exact......ly.


Palin: ....... yeah.......


O'reilly: ............


Palin: ...........


After this broadcast, Fox News viewership sunk to it's lowest in history, losing 98% of it's audience, leaving only the liberals who occasionally switch to the network to watch in disbelief.


Hollywood is, like the rest of the country, reeling after the loss of Craig T. Nelson, The Rock and Bruce Willis. John Voight and one of Baldwins also died but who gives a shit. Jay Leno is expected to be the hardest hit by todays events after losing his key audience, old republicans who don't think he's funny but like that he's lame like them.


This has to be, without a doubt, the saddest day in our nations history. In the future  children will only know of Republican Party through the stories that we tell them. That and the half-decade of footage amassed by fox news.


Though this author is sad, it helps to think that right now our grand old friends are in heaven. A republican heaven.  Where they're building a border fence around Mexican heaven with 1980's Ronald Reagan and White Jesus, singing shitty soft rock the whole day through.

Goodbye Republicans. Thanksgiving just won't be as racist without you.


UPDATE: Gay marriage legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Pot legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Prostitution, heroin, cocaine, LSD legal in Nevada.

UPDATE: Larry the Cable Guy quits "comedy" after showing up to six empty shows.





Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones is about Suzy Salmon,  a teenage girl who, after being raped and murdered, watches from her personal Heaven as her family and friends struggle to move on with their lives while she comes to terms with her own death. The book's author, Alice Sebold, has been lauded for being able to juggle a very diverse mix of genres writting this book. It's a period novel, that switches from family drama to religious fantasy and finally to provocative crime novel.

Now, I didn't read this book, namely because rape makes me uncomfortable. I believe when the movie came out, they left that scene out, the first good decision Peter Jackson's made since 2003.

Now lets talk about the readers ability to identify with a novels protagonist. I am a black man who wasn't alive in the seventies, has never been raped and murdered and hasn't gone on any gay adventure through a faggy heaven, and Suzy Salmon is literally the opposite of that. I have no problem with reading about people unlike me, but when someone is literally everything I am not, well come on.... come on.

Oh and that name, Suzy Salmon? That neighbor of hers did her a favor ( I don't mean that).

This weeks book, unlike most of the other books I've been asked to review, offers a rare shortcut for a book reviewer. THEY MADE A MOVIE!!! A movie I wouldn't watch if it were being projected on Victoria Beckhams tits. Mark Whalberg as a dad, no thanks. Stanley Tucci with a pedophile mustache, no thanks. Rachael Weisz, no thanks.

And the girl in it, Soairse Ronan, I don't like the way she makes me feel. Makes me feel Tucci.

So yeah, fuck this sentimental horse shit. 1 star (trying out a rating system. see if I like it).

I'm also trying another new thing this week. I'm actually going to tell the people at Inquisitive Online a book I'm interested in reviewing. Next week I'd like to review literally any book that doesn't have a teenage girl getting raped and murdered in the first one hundred pages are you out of your goddamned minds you lunatics.

Peace faggots.


T. C. Beverly

Disturbing Find On Anna Harrison's Wikipedia Page

It's true that Wikipedia is edited by it's users, but not all editors are created equal. There is the casual editor who may feel the need to ad a paragraph or sentence, and the their are the hardcore Wiki enthusiasts. Foragers of information who spend alot of free time scouring the internet for info to ad to articles. Louis Lloyd Thoreau is one of these enthusiasts, well, was one of these enthusiasts.

A week ago Nancy Pickwell, a 6th grade student from Nebraska, was working on her "Women Of History" project.

" It's sucked because there are about three women in history who are honestly interesting, and then everything else is a stretch. Well there are twenty kids in my class and those three got picked pretty fast. Everyone else had to choose from wives of interesting people or Kardashians. I got Anna Harrison." Said Nancy Pickwell.

Anna Harrison was the wife of our ninth president William Henry Harrison. The president himself is an obscure enough figure, and his wife is even more so.

While reading Anna Harrison's Wikipedia page, looking for anything remotely interesting, she came across something that actually was. No, it had nothing to do with Mrs. Harrison, It had to do with Louis Lloyd Thoreau.

Louis had been trying to scratch that contributor itch and wound up scratching the bottom of the barrel. When it finally came to adding facts to William Henry Harrison's wife's wikipedia page, Louis couldn't help but take a look at his own life. He had a nervous breakdown.

" When she was thirteen years old, Anna went with her father and stepmother into the Ohio wilderness, the wilderness may sound pretty bad, but living in a two story in South London with two parents who don't understand you can suck too."

The article is filled with these brief insights into Louis' life.

" William's service in Congress as territorial delegate from Ohio gave Anna and their children a chance to visit his family at Berkeley, funny, my sister lives in a flat three blocks away from me and I haven't seen her in three years. Bitch."

The final sentence, in the later life and death part of the article, reads...

" She passed away on February 25th, 1864. But you don't care, because there is no you. No one is ever going to read this article."

When alerted of these disturbing writings wikipedia decided to check in on Mr. Thoreau, but sadly, it was too late. Louis Lloyd Thoreau died of a heart attack. Anti-climactic right? You though he had committed suicide.
Wikipedia honored Thoreau with his very own Wikipedia article. Wow, wonder how they arranged that. They really went out of their way to honor the man. Real nice wikipedia.

Update: The person writing the article about Louis Lloyd Thoreau killed themselves, leaving behind a note that said only, " I'm writing an article about the guy who wrote an article about Anna Harrison. WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE!!!"


Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: American Gods

EDITORS NOTE: A little over a week ago I sent T. C. Beverly Neil Gaiman's acclaimed fantasy novel, American Gods. A book I chose after a long, painstaking search through amazons market of over 950,000 books, in hopes that I would finally choose a book Mr. Beverly would read. Today when I asked for his review of the book Mr. Beverly sent me an e-mail with the following picture attached, and it will have to serve as your review this week. I am very disappointed Mr. Beverly.

Satanists, Socialists and Communists May Not Vote Republican In 2012 Election

It's a given that certain groups of people probably won't vote for certain political parties. Black people tend to vote democrat, southerners tend vote republican and hippies tend to throw away their vote on Ralph Nader (he's never going to be elected you smelly obstructionists).

But this doesn't mean that political parties will completely give up on the groups less likely to vote for them. The Center for Conservative Victory held a study of certain constituency not likely to vote for the 2012 republican candidate and found some very disturbing news.

"Only 1 in 10 socialists, communists or Satan worshipers is going to vote republican. And it may be too late to turn those groups around."

Indeed. The groups reluctance to vote conservative may have to do with several comments made by all conservatives, dating back to always.

Inquisitive online interview a Satanist who had this to say...

"They keep thinking satanists are the same as atheists. We really don't like being mistaken with a group hated by so many many Americans."

We also reached out to a socialist who said....

" Well, Republicans keep saying Obama is one of us, so we might as well stick with him."

As you may have guessed, we also tracked down a communist who was quoted saying...

" I am tempted to vote for the party with red as its color, plus I'm extremely homophobic and so are they, but I just can't get past all of that McCarthy stuff. It's as though Republicans just flat out don't like communists. Even today!"

No word yet on whether or not the Center for Conservative Victory will be launching any campaigns to win back the reluctant groups, but one thing's for sure, that socialists answer sure was stupid.



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: Under The Dome

Today I'll be reviewing Stephen King's Under The Dome. This book is a dark look into the abuse of authority under special circumstances. At the beginning of the book a giant, invisible dome is dropped over Chester Mill, a small town in Maine. The town stays peaceful for as long as possible, that is until the crooked politicians and police force begin to abuse Chester Mill's population.

I didn't read it.

You think I care if cops beat on a bunch of corn fed white people? I don't. That dome does more than prevent people from going in and out of that town, it makes cops equal opportunists. Now the towns people get to know what it would be like if someone like me lived there.


And I know that people who read my other two reviews think I'm never going to read anything Inquisitive Online sends me. That is simply not true. I love books. I love reading books. I love the feel of books. I love the way books smell. I like to cook, which rhymes with book.

And the whole time I'm not reading books like Under The Dome I'm reading other books. And I know what you're thinking, why don't I review those books? To which I say DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY BOOK REVIEW!!!!!!

Now if Inquisitive online would send the kinds of books I like to read, I would read them. And the kinds of books I like to read are good books. And if my editor were so goddamn inquisitive he would have asked me about that.

So yeah, I didn't read this book but it's awful. Plus why would you give your money to a weirdo like Stephen King. He'll just spend the money on anime figures, bow-ties and whatever else nerds like him buy.

And also, Z. A. Aycock, go fuck yourself.


T. C. Beverly

Confused Bill Cosby Has A Surprise Sit Down With Barack Obama

Secret service were sent into a panic this morning after an intruder made it into the oval office. Two dozen men in black suits, guns drawn, rushed in to a very bizarre scene: President Barack Obama sitting in Bill Cosby's lap.

Apparently Dr. Cosby, who was in town for a black youth conference, got confused and wandered deep into the hallways of the white house.  He managed to get past three security check points. When asked why they let him by the guards said,

"It's Bill Cosby."

Cosby, now 74, has been getting confused alot lately due to a new type of medication the comedian is taking, and also because he's so old.

Press secretary, Joe Carney, spoke briefly on the matter at an official White House press conference later in the day.

"The president is fine. He was a little startled by Dr. Cosby, but was eventually calmed by the fact that he was talking to Cliff Huxtable. It was awesome."
 
And from what we understand from emerging details, the president was in fact talking to Dr. Huxtable. Bill Cosby entered the oval office wearing one of his trademark, multicolored sweaters, holding a large sandwich made in the White House kitchen.
 
"He kept calling the President "Rudy"."

Apparently Bill Cosby sat the president down and talked to him about the number of vacations he was taking.
"Rudy, I know your job is thankless. I know those kids at school..." we think he was referring to republicans "... are being mean to you. They're calling you names. But you can't just run away to Hawaii every time you feel intimidated."

"But they're always mean to me" responded the president despite himself.

"Well..... where am I?"

It was then that the 74 year old came to. Cosby's people laughed it off and said they were just happy to find him.

So could this incident actually have an effect on the president? Hopefully. It will be interesting to see if President Obama takes less vacation over the rest of his one term. We will keep you updated.


UPDATE: 81 year old Clint Eastwood kills forty criminals in San Francisco.



Z. A. Aycock