Disturbing Trend Of Blogs Using Key Words Like Twilight, Bieber, Sex and Kardashian To Increase Blog Traffic.

Kim Kardashian

The art of blogging, and it is an art form, is 2% blog and 98% integrity. If you don't have integrity you can't make it in this business. A proclamation I'm completely willing to make only two weeks after starting my first blog. You're responsibility as a blogger is to deliver the message you set out to deliver without compromising your blog. 


Well apparently some bloggers didn't get that memo.  


It has come to Inquisitive Online's attention that there is disturbing trend going on inside the blogosphere, or blogosdome if you're a fixed earth christian, that many bloggers are using a cheap trick called result netting. Result netting is when a blogger, or journalist, arbitrarily adds popular search subjects in their article just to up the amount of searches they'll be included in. 

An example of this is if I were to say: Justin Bieber hasn't seen the latest Twilight movie because he was watching porn and having sex with Barack Obama. 


Just in that sentence I mentioned five popular web searches. Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama. By just mentioning those things the probability that this site will be discovered has increased. And the number of times I say Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama increases the articles relevance in those search results.

The fact that bloggers would use terms like Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama just to get their site discovered is abhorrent. And it's not just Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama that these people are using. They're also using words like Selena Gomez, interracial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga in sentences like... 


" Selena Gomez gave Lady Gaga an interaccial golden shower while looking up the company  history of Amazon on wikipedia." 


This stuff is happening all of the time. All of the time. Merely in the hopes of beefing up page views and blog followers. I refuse to stoop to the level of merely mentioning Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga to get more followers. Because my followers want news stories and facts, not  Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga. 


I just hope that bloggers and journalists read this, and feel ashamed of what they're doing. Because it is shameful. Almost as shameful as Kim Kardashians dress at her wedding which can now be seen at... 


http://www.eonline.com/news/kim_kardashians_blinging_bridal/259704


Shameful! 


Update: Justin Bieber actually hasn't seen the latest twilight movie. Hmmm, story?



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Language Of Flowers

Vanessa Diffenbaugh's novel, The Language Of The Flowers, is a tale about a young orphan named Victoria Jones. Victoria has encountered all forms of abuse in her lifetime being both in and out of her foster-care. In the present Victoria is on her own and living in a public park. If this plot seems tragic to you, it might please you to know that  the story is about redemption and overcoming greats odds. Victoria overcomes those odds with her special love for flowers. She's very talented at planting and arranging flowers. The people who meet her notice and are ultimately changed by the young women and her hobby.  


A homeless girl talented at...arranging flowers. ...really? That's the synopsis you give me?
  
Off the bat, you should know by now why I didn't, haven't and wont read this book. First of all, botany is not a talent. Not in my eyes at least, so if you think I'm gonna be cow-towed into being wowed by some snaggle toothed broad ( I assume all homeless people look like June Carter-Cash and have no teeth), putting the tulips with the tulips and the daisies with the daisies, you should rethink who you want on your this feature. I may not be a very smart man, but it takes a little more than color coordination to impress me. 


 I'll tell you something else: little fun fact about me. I've spent a fair amount of time on the bottom of the social financial ladder. I wouldn't go so far to say i was homeless, but  the house had no electricity, no food, and we had to use the community pool to shower (sorry to my neighbors that may read this that didn't know that fact. Little Timmy was swimming in uncle T.C's bath water). So yeah, I went hungry, went dirty, went thirsty, and lonely because surprise surprise, apparently its hard to get women to come over to your house when they cant see their way up the stairs. In any case, you know what i didn't do? I DIDN'T GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO LET PEOPLE SEE MY "TALENT" IN BOTANY! THEREFORE I WAS STUCK! I don't even know if I'd have been good at it. I didn't get time to see because I was busy TRYING TO FIND A JOB! LIKE A LEGITIMATE PERSON IN FINANCIAL TURMOIL SHOULD BE DOING! NOT FUCKIN' AROUND WITH DANDELIONS! 


 By the way, that shit can fly because she's a woman. Let a homeless man come along and say, "hey, i can arrange your flowers if you need" ...that guys getting the cops called on him. God forbid its a black man. We don't have societal importance as white people have, if we're homeless, who cares. We're just another statistic to you. Now say this "statistic" comes to you talking about flowers and what not.  
"Get this gay jiggaboo away from me!!!"  


And yes that's two articles with the word jigaboo in it, but honestly, that's how I feel you white people go around thinking of us. I know the editor does. He says it every week.  


"Hey, what kind of stupid ass book can i give this lil' jig to talk about. Dance, monkey, dance." 

"The language of the flowers", nonsense. How dare you. How dare you, Vanessa Diffenbaugh. Insult Americas' intelligence. I understand I shouldn't downplay or down talk a piece of literature I haven't read, because it's a form of art and expression merely for entertainment, because somewhere around the world someone is entertained, or god forbid inspired by the book ( those people are called nincompoops, imbeciles and idiots, by the way).  


But honestly, I'm not buying it. Based on the synopsis I read on amazon. ...how are you really talented at something like arranging flowers? sometimes I feel the same when people say it about athletes, but then I remember it takes hard work and energy to do things athletes do. I cant run back and forth chasing a ball for 60 minutes.Ii breathe heavy when i eat too fast. So yeah, athletes are talents. Even reading is talent. Making a basket case isn't. Just because you can get a degree in it, doesn't make it legit.  


But who am I? just a poor black man, trying to make it in a world where a goofy, financially immature woman can make some flowers match and survive, yet I gotta do stupid things to get my life straight and make out of this world, sacrifice and still struggle just to get by. And by get by, i mean hate my life, shove "the man's" poop back up my own butt and sit here writing stupid ass literary reviews about some shit you KNOW i have no interest in reading. But you know why it's ok? Cause its the white man's world, that's right. 


Last thing, if this was a black lady doing this, the story would be about how a white person taught her how to arrange flowers. Just saying. So fuck this book. Fuck this homeless girl. Fuck this review. Fuck the author and most importantly, FUCK YOU AYCOCK! DON'T YOU EVER....NOT NEVER! SEND ME SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!
  
...I'll see you next week.


T. C. Beverly

Ironic mustache, sincere murder: a profile of Portlands hipster serial killer.

Hipster Strangler

Charlotte - Remember when Portland used to be safe? Portland.... it's a city.... in Oregon. Anyways, it turns out  it's a real city, and it's not safe anymore, because there's a serial killer on the loose.

It's only been three weeks since Caleb Westin, a twenty three year old drummer, band promoter, hipster blogger and car wash manager was killed on his way home from a gig. A group of vagabonds barely made it to the scene before Caleb passed. His last words were, " Like I care".

Police said he was strangled to death by a hand woven noose made of yarn. That noose would only be the first. Since then five other twenty somethings named Caleb,also hipster bloggers, also coming home from gigs, have been strangled. We asked Police Chief Bernard Rheon if this was an amazing coincidence.

" No it's not amazing at all. If you randomly strangle a twenty something male in Portland their name will probably be Caleb, they'll probably be a hipster blogger, and their probably coming home from a gig."

We asked Chief Rheon  how much was known about what has been labeled the Hipster Strangler.

"  So far we've only had one witness, but they tell us that the killer is himself a hipster. He wears a low "v-neck", a pair of grey jeans several sizes too small and a pair of horned rimmed sun glasses. They also told us he has a mustache which is "ironic"."

I asked what race the killer was causing me and Chief Rheon to have a nice long laugh.

I speak for myself when I say that this story has been especially hard to write because the death of a hipster, however it may happen, draws such little attention from the public. Almost no one cares when a hipster dies. I don't care either. In fact, last sentence of the article.

UPDATE: Letter from killer sent to Inquisitive Online. Didn't read it. Still don't care.


Z. A. Aycock

Popular Historian Comes Out Of Retirement To Change Position on Nazi Gold

Alexander Palka, 2008

Charlotte - It's been three years since popular English author Alexander Palka retired from writing, but not before releasing his bestseller  N-Au-zi, a non-fiction book about the fortunes Hitlers third Reich took from its victims and dispensed in various locations around the world, more commonly known as Nazi gold. Many of my more chemically savvy readers may have noticed Palka's clever inclusion of gold's chemical symbol, Au, into the word Nazi. "I'm proud of the title" said Palka when we interviewed him in 2009.


Throughout the entire novel Palka made the case that all money or gold traced back to the victims of Hitler's army must be seized by the Interpol and dispensed evenly amongst the victims families.


Palka famously used the final chapter of N-Au-zi to announce his retirement and decision to move on to his true love, reflooring old Argentinean homes.


" I spent three years of my youth in Argentina and the thing that stuck with me the most was how beautiful the homes were. Especially the older ones.  I've always wanted to go back and and renovate them. To save them from becoming dilapidated, condemned and eventually demolished." Palka went on to say. "And as many of my readers know when my career wasn't going so well, at least as well as it is now, I took up reflooring old houses to make rent. I think I'd like to go back to that".


And he did.


For the last three years Alexander Palka has been doing exactly what he said he was going to to do. He's been living in Argentina, fixing up old houses and running a reflooring business. Living out his days in sunny Argentina with beautiful his wife, Leslie, and their five year old daughter, Marie. It was the perfect ending to an amazing life story.
  
That is until three months ago when Palka ended his business and came out of retirement.


" We we're reflooring this old mansion, it's owner had just died, and everything was pretty normal" says Caesar Malendez, a former employee of Mr. Palka. " Then, all of the sudden he started acting very strange. He started saying stuff like, "Why the fuck did I have to talk all that shit?" and "It's gonna be hard to justify this one"".


Soon after he began acting strange he fired his employees, sold his reflooring business and moved to Switzerland. After several months of silence Mr. Palka resurfaced. Or in this case, it was Mr. Palka's new press agent who stuck his head out releasing the following press release.


Fans of Alexander Palka's works should be excited to learn that just three years after releasing N-Au-zi Mr. Palka has written another masterpiece. They should be even more excited to learn the book will be on the same subject that grabbed their imagination in N-Au-zi, but this time from a less pessimistic point of view. The new book will be titled, "Au Come On". A book from the perspective of someone with realistic views about what may, or may not have happened in Germany almost seventy years ago. 


The following is an excerpt for the new book,


It's not like the money killed anyone. And the people the money belonged to, well, they're not missing it. So I don't know why if an honest business owner, and this is all hypothetical mind you, but if an honest business man were reflooring an old Argentinean mansion and found eighty-million in euros under the bathroom floor, he should be able to keep it. Now I want to examine the word hypocrite... 


Well, whatever happened to Alexander Palka while he was reflooring that mansion, one thing is for sure, euros looks weird when written down. You'd think it would be "euroes", maybe even capitalized but nope. It's just euros. This is Z. A. Aycock from charlotte, sending it back to you Dan.

Angry Birds Fans Outraged By Games Hidden Allegorical Basis.

Jaakko Lisalo

Since being released in December, 2009, the Rovio computer game Angry Birds, published by Chillingo, has been an international hit. As of this year the game has been downloaded twelve million times, twenty-four times more than Maroon 5's last album. Not to mention the fact that Angry Birds merchandise has been moving non-stop off the games website. People love wearing sweaters with the trademark red bird on the front. And why wouldn't they?  

There was never any reason to root against the angry bird's and their mission to topple towers and kill the pigs sitting inside. Never a reason, until now.  

Recently on assignment in Finland ( I don't have to explain shit to you) I found myself in a fancy restaurant eating a Kaalikääryle on Inquisitive Online's dime. I was halfway through, well on my way to the Laskiaispulla, when I noticed a small, unassuming man on the other side of the restaurant. He was raising his voice and being derogatory toward his waiter. After a few moments of observing the man I realized who this rude person was. No, not Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Lavine who you'd totally expect to do something shitty like that. No, it was Angry Birds creator Jaakko Lisalo. 

Liaslo was clearly drunk, despite it being only three in the afternoon. I decided to try my luck and see if I could get an interview with him for the website. So I asked him if he minded talking on the record for a little while. He didn't. 

Liaslo: Inquisitive Online, I totally love you guys. You are so much better than the onion! 
Me: Yes we are. Thanks for noticing. 
Liaslo: *coughs Do you have any horse on you? I'm feeling a little sick. 
Me: No, but dad owns a ranch. 
Liaslo: ... 
Me: So first things first, how is Jaakko Liaslo enjoying the success of Angry Birds. 
Liaslo: I'm loving it. We never thought our little game would be this decades "Pacman". I'm so rich. 
Me: Well you deserve it. The games is great. But I've always wondered about the plot. Where did you get those ideas? Birds exacting revenge on pigs in towers. 
Liaslo: Err... 
Me: Come on Liaslo, it's me you're talking too. 
Liaslo: That's a good point. I'm not supposed to tell people this but... well let's just say I got the idea in 2001. 
Me: ?  
Liaslo: September, 2001. 
Me: ? 
Liaslo: Seriously dude? 
Me: Wait a second. 

And then it hit me like a ton of unsold Maroon 5 records. Angry Birds was an allegory for 9/11. Liaslo went on about about this horse of his, but by then my mind was reeling. After a few minutes I politely got up and left. "How did no one notice this?" is what I repeated to myself while walking through the streets of Helsinki.  

Looking back it seems obvious. The birds are clearly middle eastern. They're always angry, you can't understand what there saying and some of them have unibrows. 


Not to mention the fact that the whole game consists of level after level of birds sacrificing their lives to topple towers, killing it's defenseless inhabitants.       

The only thing I can't understand is why they would used cartoon pigs to represent Americans. It doesn't make any sense.


Last week Brian Williams broke this story because A. I keep loosing track of my notebooks and B. Brian Williams is a fucking thief. Needless to say Americans were outraged. Downloads for the game have come to a near halt, hardly making Maroon 5 numbers. 

EA Games, now owner of the Angry Birds title, has apologized several times stating they weren't aware of the games offensive origins. Even going as far as to release a new game called "Justice Pigs", in which the pigs go into caves and splatter the birds brains all over the walls. Despite this there is little hope that EA will be able to save the franchise. 


And the bad news doesn't end there.  


Maroon 5 has announced plans to release a fourth album within the year. President Barack Obama was quoted as saying, "This will be the Maroon 5 album to break Americas' spirit". Indeed Obama. Indeed. 


UPDATE: Carl Rove has denied any connection to Rovio after literally no one asked. 


Z. A. Aycock

Yet Another Conversation About Semi-Colon's Ends In Disaster.

According to the most recent data released by researchers at Stanford's

Center for the Study of Language and Information (CSLI), there exists a

correlation between usage of certain punctuation and specific personality

types, and even disorders. Lead researcher Professor Peter Stanley explained, "For

example, the semi colon is the only punctuation in the English language

that can always be replaced with either alternate punctuation such as a

comma or period, or linking words such as 'and' or 'but'. This means that

there is never a situation where use of a semi colon is mandated by the

rules of English grammar."

So if the semi colon is more or less superfluous, who is using it and why?

Stanley said, "Our data demonstrated a strong link between use of semi

colons and debilitating insecurity regarding intellect. Furthermore, we can

extrapolate that the less secure one is in their intellectual ability, the

more likely they are to use semi colons, and vice versa. Someone who uses a

some uneducated rube who desperately wants to impress people with something

lot of semi colons is likely the stupidest of several siblings, or just

as absurd as 'fancy' punctuation."

When asked if some of this reporter's writings had been sourced in this research, and if this was meant as some kind of personal attack, Prof. Stanley quickly changed the topic of conversation by pointing out my defensive tone. Not easily sidetracked, this tenacious reporter reasserted that this “study” was just some kind of put on or joke that was only meant to make me feel stupid. Stanley cruelly laughed in my face and called me a “fucking idiot”.

When pressed about his moronic use of stupid fucking emoticons in personal correspondence and doesn't that make him a look like a juvenile asshole, Professor Stanley demanded to know how I had obtained his email password. When told that “TooCute;)” was pretty easy to guess considering the absolute retardation of the jackass in question, Stanley flipped this reporter off and stated for the record, “Fuck you dude! You don't hack someone's email and read it! That shit is fucking personal! You are way the fuck out of line!”

The interview was abruptly ended. Professor Peter Stanley could not be reached for further comment. 

M. F. Cornelius

Anti Nitric Oxide Campaign Pumping Up Fast

Patty Fox

Richmond- Reacting to news of the accidental Nitric Oxide overdose that resulted in the death of 18 year old aspiring bodybuilder and Richmond's First Baptist Church goer Richard Lockwood, members of the church launched

a campaign to educate young people on the dangers of overusing Nitric Oxide, a common ingredient in fitness supplements.

"Nitric oxide is commonly used by athletes and body builders," Explained campaign organizer Patty Fox, "When ingested, it dissolves
 in the bloodstream, dilating the veins. This vasodilation does not decrease the volume of blood the heart pumps, but rather it decreases the force the heart muscle must exert to pump the same volume of blood. Taken in small

doses, the drug can prolong stamina during endurance activities, but if the dose is too high the result can be fatal."

Fox's group began speaking at schools and distributing informational

pamphlets to raise awareness of the issue. "We recognized from the start

that we were a small group, and for us to have a significant impact, we

needed some kind of catchy hook. Something to get kids interested and

spread the word," said Fox, "That's when we came up with the idea of using

social networking to get the message out. When we spoke to kids in school,

we encouraged them to show their support by adding our little logo to their

Facebook and Twitter profile pictures."

The groups logo is the letters NO (the chemical sign for Nitric Oxide), stacked on top of H8, a pseudo rebus for the word hate. According to Fox, the logo is meant to symbolize the core message that the group is trying to send: No tolerance for abusing Nitric Oxide.

Word has spread surprisingly quickly. Literally thousands of teens and young adults have embraced the group's message by adding the NO H8 logo to their social networking accounts."We've seen our logo on accounts from around the world! I had no idea we'd be such a smash success! We've even seen quite a few photos posted to a website called Flickr where people have

painted our logo right on their faces!"

With all of the group's sudden success, has come some unexpected circumstances. The anti Nitric Oxide message seems for some reason to have resonated quite strongly with the gay community. The Christian based group, while somewhat baffled by the response, is receptive to the support.

"We all know homosexuality is a sin, and it makes God sad to know that some

of his children are rejecting him to live a sinful lifestyle, but if the gay community can save just one young Christian athlete from over dosing on Nitric Oxide, then we think it's worth it," Stated Fox, "God works in mysterious ways!"

-M. F. Cornelius