T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: Under The Dome

Today I'll be reviewing Stephen King's Under The Dome. This book is a dark look into the abuse of authority under special circumstances. At the beginning of the book a giant, invisible dome is dropped over Chester Mill, a small town in Maine. The town stays peaceful for as long as possible, that is until the crooked politicians and police force begin to abuse Chester Mill's population.

I didn't read it.

You think I care if cops beat on a bunch of corn fed white people? I don't. That dome does more than prevent people from going in and out of that town, it makes cops equal opportunists. Now the towns people get to know what it would be like if someone like me lived there.


And I know that people who read my other two reviews think I'm never going to read anything Inquisitive Online sends me. That is simply not true. I love books. I love reading books. I love the feel of books. I love the way books smell. I like to cook, which rhymes with book.

And the whole time I'm not reading books like Under The Dome I'm reading other books. And I know what you're thinking, why don't I review those books? To which I say DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY BOOK REVIEW!!!!!!

Now if Inquisitive online would send the kinds of books I like to read, I would read them. And the kinds of books I like to read are good books. And if my editor were so goddamn inquisitive he would have asked me about that.

So yeah, I didn't read this book but it's awful. Plus why would you give your money to a weirdo like Stephen King. He'll just spend the money on anime figures, bow-ties and whatever else nerds like him buy.

And also, Z. A. Aycock, go fuck yourself.


T. C. Beverly

Confused Bill Cosby Has A Surprise Sit Down With Barack Obama

Secret service were sent into a panic this morning after an intruder made it into the oval office. Two dozen men in black suits, guns drawn, rushed in to a very bizarre scene: President Barack Obama sitting in Bill Cosby's lap.

Apparently Dr. Cosby, who was in town for a black youth conference, got confused and wandered deep into the hallways of the white house.  He managed to get past three security check points. When asked why they let him by the guards said,

"It's Bill Cosby."

Cosby, now 74, has been getting confused alot lately due to a new type of medication the comedian is taking, and also because he's so old.

Press secretary, Joe Carney, spoke briefly on the matter at an official White House press conference later in the day.

"The president is fine. He was a little startled by Dr. Cosby, but was eventually calmed by the fact that he was talking to Cliff Huxtable. It was awesome."
 
And from what we understand from emerging details, the president was in fact talking to Dr. Huxtable. Bill Cosby entered the oval office wearing one of his trademark, multicolored sweaters, holding a large sandwich made in the White House kitchen.
 
"He kept calling the President "Rudy"."

Apparently Bill Cosby sat the president down and talked to him about the number of vacations he was taking.
"Rudy, I know your job is thankless. I know those kids at school..." we think he was referring to republicans "... are being mean to you. They're calling you names. But you can't just run away to Hawaii every time you feel intimidated."

"But they're always mean to me" responded the president despite himself.

"Well..... where am I?"

It was then that the 74 year old came to. Cosby's people laughed it off and said they were just happy to find him.

So could this incident actually have an effect on the president? Hopefully. It will be interesting to see if President Obama takes less vacation over the rest of his one term. We will keep you updated.


UPDATE: 81 year old Clint Eastwood kills forty criminals in San Francisco.



Z. A. Aycock

CBS Crime Drama NCIS Leading Candidate In Republican Primaries.

Our next president?

Alot of factors go into being popular amongst republican voters. You have to appeal to seniors, you can't be too complicated for simple people and having a military edge doesn't hurt. Rick Perry has all three of these, being in the air force and also being dumb, Ron Paul has none of these. 

The field of candidates have been swarming red states and swing states alike. They want people to know their name above all others. 

Lately Rick Perry has been leading the pack, with the last two major polls showing him ahead of Michele  Brahmann and Mitt Romney. But Yesterday the results of a poll conducted by Townhall.com shows a new front runner.  


CBS's highest rated procedural crime drama NCIS has swept the republican base off it's feet.  The show's lack of creativity, lack of any realistic anti-culture and lack of funny jokes has had republicans identifying with it for years, not unlike The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Plus it has what republicans love most: alot of white people with tucked in shirts. 


When asked if it was possible for a t.v. program to be elected president, political expert Frank Luntz said, "Well, technically it is a creative entity made up of people and there is no law against creative entities being elected into executive  power". When asked if it had any chance of winning Luntz said, "When it comes to white people in tucked in shirts, conservatives just can't help themselves". 


This is true. I think we all remember last years senatorial election in Kansas where a manikin, wearing a blue denim shirt tucked into khaki cargo pants, won a landslide victory against his democratic contender. 


Plus, with it's experience foiling terrorist plots and saving Americans, though fictional, NCIS is sure to make a name for itself in the coming months. The entire cast released this statement through CBS, 


"We at NCIS pledge to the American people that we will fight against the hypocrisy in Washington, protect the sanctity of marriage and deliver heart pounding suspense every Tuesday at 8/7c." 


Yup, that's what it's come to. 

UPDATE: NCIS implicated in scheme to profit from teacher life insurance. Made sick deal with foreign bank. Hardly any media coverage of it. Amazingly still on track to become president.






Z. A. Aycock

Disturbing Trend Of Blogs Using Key Words Like Twilight, Bieber, Sex and Kardashian To Increase Blog Traffic.

Kim Kardashian

The art of blogging, and it is an art form, is 2% blog and 98% integrity. If you don't have integrity you can't make it in this business. A proclamation I'm completely willing to make only two weeks after starting my first blog. You're responsibility as a blogger is to deliver the message you set out to deliver without compromising your blog. 


Well apparently some bloggers didn't get that memo.  


It has come to Inquisitive Online's attention that there is disturbing trend going on inside the blogosphere, or blogosdome if you're a fixed earth christian, that many bloggers are using a cheap trick called result netting. Result netting is when a blogger, or journalist, arbitrarily adds popular search subjects in their article just to up the amount of searches they'll be included in. 

An example of this is if I were to say: Justin Bieber hasn't seen the latest Twilight movie because he was watching porn and having sex with Barack Obama. 


Just in that sentence I mentioned five popular web searches. Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama. By just mentioning those things the probability that this site will be discovered has increased. And the number of times I say Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama increases the articles relevance in those search results.

The fact that bloggers would use terms like Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama just to get their site discovered is abhorrent. And it's not just Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex and Barack Obama that these people are using. They're also using words like Selena Gomez, interracial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga in sentences like... 


" Selena Gomez gave Lady Gaga an interaccial golden shower while looking up the company  history of Amazon on wikipedia." 


This stuff is happening all of the time. All of the time. Merely in the hopes of beefing up page views and blog followers. I refuse to stoop to the level of merely mentioning Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga to get more followers. Because my followers want news stories and facts, not  Justin Bieber, Twilight, porn, sex, Barack Obama,  Selena Gomez, interaccial, amazon, wikipedia, golden shower and Lady Gaga. 


I just hope that bloggers and journalists read this, and feel ashamed of what they're doing. Because it is shameful. Almost as shameful as Kim Kardashians dress at her wedding which can now be seen at... 


http://www.eonline.com/news/kim_kardashians_blinging_bridal/259704


Shameful! 


Update: Justin Bieber actually hasn't seen the latest twilight movie. Hmmm, story?



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Language Of Flowers

Vanessa Diffenbaugh's novel, The Language Of The Flowers, is a tale about a young orphan named Victoria Jones. Victoria has encountered all forms of abuse in her lifetime being both in and out of her foster-care. In the present Victoria is on her own and living in a public park. If this plot seems tragic to you, it might please you to know that  the story is about redemption and overcoming greats odds. Victoria overcomes those odds with her special love for flowers. She's very talented at planting and arranging flowers. The people who meet her notice and are ultimately changed by the young women and her hobby.  


A homeless girl talented at...arranging flowers. ...really? That's the synopsis you give me?
  
Off the bat, you should know by now why I didn't, haven't and wont read this book. First of all, botany is not a talent. Not in my eyes at least, so if you think I'm gonna be cow-towed into being wowed by some snaggle toothed broad ( I assume all homeless people look like June Carter-Cash and have no teeth), putting the tulips with the tulips and the daisies with the daisies, you should rethink who you want on your this feature. I may not be a very smart man, but it takes a little more than color coordination to impress me. 


 I'll tell you something else: little fun fact about me. I've spent a fair amount of time on the bottom of the social financial ladder. I wouldn't go so far to say i was homeless, but  the house had no electricity, no food, and we had to use the community pool to shower (sorry to my neighbors that may read this that didn't know that fact. Little Timmy was swimming in uncle T.C's bath water). So yeah, I went hungry, went dirty, went thirsty, and lonely because surprise surprise, apparently its hard to get women to come over to your house when they cant see their way up the stairs. In any case, you know what i didn't do? I DIDN'T GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO LET PEOPLE SEE MY "TALENT" IN BOTANY! THEREFORE I WAS STUCK! I don't even know if I'd have been good at it. I didn't get time to see because I was busy TRYING TO FIND A JOB! LIKE A LEGITIMATE PERSON IN FINANCIAL TURMOIL SHOULD BE DOING! NOT FUCKIN' AROUND WITH DANDELIONS! 


 By the way, that shit can fly because she's a woman. Let a homeless man come along and say, "hey, i can arrange your flowers if you need" ...that guys getting the cops called on him. God forbid its a black man. We don't have societal importance as white people have, if we're homeless, who cares. We're just another statistic to you. Now say this "statistic" comes to you talking about flowers and what not.  
"Get this gay jiggaboo away from me!!!"  


And yes that's two articles with the word jigaboo in it, but honestly, that's how I feel you white people go around thinking of us. I know the editor does. He says it every week.  


"Hey, what kind of stupid ass book can i give this lil' jig to talk about. Dance, monkey, dance." 

"The language of the flowers", nonsense. How dare you. How dare you, Vanessa Diffenbaugh. Insult Americas' intelligence. I understand I shouldn't downplay or down talk a piece of literature I haven't read, because it's a form of art and expression merely for entertainment, because somewhere around the world someone is entertained, or god forbid inspired by the book ( those people are called nincompoops, imbeciles and idiots, by the way).  


But honestly, I'm not buying it. Based on the synopsis I read on amazon. ...how are you really talented at something like arranging flowers? sometimes I feel the same when people say it about athletes, but then I remember it takes hard work and energy to do things athletes do. I cant run back and forth chasing a ball for 60 minutes.Ii breathe heavy when i eat too fast. So yeah, athletes are talents. Even reading is talent. Making a basket case isn't. Just because you can get a degree in it, doesn't make it legit.  


But who am I? just a poor black man, trying to make it in a world where a goofy, financially immature woman can make some flowers match and survive, yet I gotta do stupid things to get my life straight and make out of this world, sacrifice and still struggle just to get by. And by get by, i mean hate my life, shove "the man's" poop back up my own butt and sit here writing stupid ass literary reviews about some shit you KNOW i have no interest in reading. But you know why it's ok? Cause its the white man's world, that's right. 


Last thing, if this was a black lady doing this, the story would be about how a white person taught her how to arrange flowers. Just saying. So fuck this book. Fuck this homeless girl. Fuck this review. Fuck the author and most importantly, FUCK YOU AYCOCK! DON'T YOU EVER....NOT NEVER! SEND ME SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THIS AGAIN!!!!
  
...I'll see you next week.


T. C. Beverly

Ironic mustache, sincere murder: a profile of Portlands hipster serial killer.

Hipster Strangler

Charlotte - Remember when Portland used to be safe? Portland.... it's a city.... in Oregon. Anyways, it turns out  it's a real city, and it's not safe anymore, because there's a serial killer on the loose.

It's only been three weeks since Caleb Westin, a twenty three year old drummer, band promoter, hipster blogger and car wash manager was killed on his way home from a gig. A group of vagabonds barely made it to the scene before Caleb passed. His last words were, " Like I care".

Police said he was strangled to death by a hand woven noose made of yarn. That noose would only be the first. Since then five other twenty somethings named Caleb,also hipster bloggers, also coming home from gigs, have been strangled. We asked Police Chief Bernard Rheon if this was an amazing coincidence.

" No it's not amazing at all. If you randomly strangle a twenty something male in Portland their name will probably be Caleb, they'll probably be a hipster blogger, and their probably coming home from a gig."

We asked Chief Rheon  how much was known about what has been labeled the Hipster Strangler.

"  So far we've only had one witness, but they tell us that the killer is himself a hipster. He wears a low "v-neck", a pair of grey jeans several sizes too small and a pair of horned rimmed sun glasses. They also told us he has a mustache which is "ironic"."

I asked what race the killer was causing me and Chief Rheon to have a nice long laugh.

I speak for myself when I say that this story has been especially hard to write because the death of a hipster, however it may happen, draws such little attention from the public. Almost no one cares when a hipster dies. I don't care either. In fact, last sentence of the article.

UPDATE: Letter from killer sent to Inquisitive Online. Didn't read it. Still don't care.


Z. A. Aycock

Popular Historian Comes Out Of Retirement To Change Position on Nazi Gold

Alexander Palka, 2008

Charlotte - It's been three years since popular English author Alexander Palka retired from writing, but not before releasing his bestseller  N-Au-zi, a non-fiction book about the fortunes Hitlers third Reich took from its victims and dispensed in various locations around the world, more commonly known as Nazi gold. Many of my more chemically savvy readers may have noticed Palka's clever inclusion of gold's chemical symbol, Au, into the word Nazi. "I'm proud of the title" said Palka when we interviewed him in 2009.


Throughout the entire novel Palka made the case that all money or gold traced back to the victims of Hitler's army must be seized by the Interpol and dispensed evenly amongst the victims families.


Palka famously used the final chapter of N-Au-zi to announce his retirement and decision to move on to his true love, reflooring old Argentinean homes.


" I spent three years of my youth in Argentina and the thing that stuck with me the most was how beautiful the homes were. Especially the older ones.  I've always wanted to go back and and renovate them. To save them from becoming dilapidated, condemned and eventually demolished." Palka went on to say. "And as many of my readers know when my career wasn't going so well, at least as well as it is now, I took up reflooring old houses to make rent. I think I'd like to go back to that".


And he did.


For the last three years Alexander Palka has been doing exactly what he said he was going to to do. He's been living in Argentina, fixing up old houses and running a reflooring business. Living out his days in sunny Argentina with beautiful his wife, Leslie, and their five year old daughter, Marie. It was the perfect ending to an amazing life story.
  
That is until three months ago when Palka ended his business and came out of retirement.


" We we're reflooring this old mansion, it's owner had just died, and everything was pretty normal" says Caesar Malendez, a former employee of Mr. Palka. " Then, all of the sudden he started acting very strange. He started saying stuff like, "Why the fuck did I have to talk all that shit?" and "It's gonna be hard to justify this one"".


Soon after he began acting strange he fired his employees, sold his reflooring business and moved to Switzerland. After several months of silence Mr. Palka resurfaced. Or in this case, it was Mr. Palka's new press agent who stuck his head out releasing the following press release.


Fans of Alexander Palka's works should be excited to learn that just three years after releasing N-Au-zi Mr. Palka has written another masterpiece. They should be even more excited to learn the book will be on the same subject that grabbed their imagination in N-Au-zi, but this time from a less pessimistic point of view. The new book will be titled, "Au Come On". A book from the perspective of someone with realistic views about what may, or may not have happened in Germany almost seventy years ago. 


The following is an excerpt for the new book,


It's not like the money killed anyone. And the people the money belonged to, well, they're not missing it. So I don't know why if an honest business owner, and this is all hypothetical mind you, but if an honest business man were reflooring an old Argentinean mansion and found eighty-million in euros under the bathroom floor, he should be able to keep it. Now I want to examine the word hypocrite... 


Well, whatever happened to Alexander Palka while he was reflooring that mansion, one thing is for sure, euros looks weird when written down. You'd think it would be "euroes", maybe even capitalized but nope. It's just euros. This is Z. A. Aycock from charlotte, sending it back to you Dan.