T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: In my time: A Personal and Political Memoir by Dick Cheney

Just a year after George W. Bush released his memoir Decision Points, Cheney has released his memoir In My Time. The book is filled with alot of the same stories, but from a much less apologetic standpoint. Cheney has long been a controversial figure, and this book was just the catalyst the media has been waiting for to fully flesh out the controversy. It seems like the books mission isn't to inform the reader, but rather to evoke an emotion from the reader, whether it be bad or good.

"Good work". Apparently you saw that I listed Cheney as one of my heroes on Facebook. I actually read the book this time, thus a testament to the fact that I appreciate the thought and your efforts.

Cheney is one of my heroes, but it has nothing to do with his policies or political views. He's my hero because he makes hippies really, really mad.

This guy makes hacky-sackers angrier than a storm drain in the middle of a community college parking lot. He's more of a "downer" to the flower children than being epileptic at a Jefferson Airplane laser light show. For eight years he was the cause of all frowns in San Francisco.

Now all the frowns in San Francisco are caused by Sean Penn and his attempts to bring back the "Human Be-in Festival". Even those smelly bastards were like, "Listen rain man....dial it down a little."

Since I was a teen, making hippies unhappy has been a hobby of mine. I've stolen the bike racks from every Whole Foods I've ever lived near. I've handed out regular brownies at Phish concert. My greatest feat to date was getting a vegan girl pregnant and then guilting her into keeping it.  (NOTE: remember to remove this sentence before posting.)

 Hippies have been on my hitlist since I was a child. When I went to my baby sitter's house her older, hippy sister, who thought I was a "cool lil' dude", would come over and try to high-five me. But I would reject her high fives, even at the tender age of 4. If you try to touch me and you smell like beans, I'm going to ignore you. If you persist, you would be lucky if I don't punch you square in the face. After all of her high-fives attempts she would force an embrace on me, where my face was constantly scratched by her fat stubbly walrus like arms and orangutan arm pits.

In any case, In My Time is a suggested read from me. If you don't want to read it for the hippy hate(because you love PBR/sucking buttholes), surely you can look to find plenty of hate and other hilarity in Mr. Cheney's audacity to write an actual book. Seriously!? Honestly, that's all i was going to post for this article was the words "really!? ...Serious? He has a boo....What!? Who would.....WHY would......REEEEALLLY!?". But I do suggest it. Live, learn, laugh, hate hippies.



T. C. Beverly

Scientist Discovers Platypus-Bodied Duck

Terrorist?

There are some very strange creatures on this planet of ours. Like Lions. But lions are only the tip of the oddball iceberg that is our animal kingdom.  Like, have you noticed that bears, dogs and seals all have the same face? What's going on there. They're like the Javier Bardem / Jeffery Dean Morgan's of nature.

Well as of today nature strikes again. Last week Zoologist, Dr. Jeffery Helbig, was on an expedition in Australia. He was studying the effect of "placing dry land lizards into wetland areas" or as other scientists have called it, drowning lizards. While he was drowning those lizards he made an amazing find.

Dr. Helbig has discovered a new species of duck with a black bill, water resistant fur and a platypus body. He's taken to calling the animal a " Platypus-bodied Duck". He says he chose the name because he doesn't like it when people are able to say the names of animals three times fast.

"I was working with my lizards" says Dr. Helbig, "when all of the sudden one of the ducks emerged from the water. It scared the shit out of the desert lizards and one of them almost drowned early. "

Dr. Helbig says aside from it's body the platypus-bodied duck is just like every other duck. It lays eggs, spends most of it's day in the water and looks adorable in a blue sailors uniform. But when placed amongst other ducks, the other ducks don't react well. It's sort of an ugly duckling situation. Goddamn racist ducks.

Dr. Helbig later tried an experiment where he had the platypus-bodied duck raise a Buffleheaded duckling. But instead of raising the duckling it immediately smothered it under it's own weight. Dr. Helbig also found that platypus-bodied ducks will eat desert lizards.

Luckily, before Dr. Helbig could begin his "effects on placing wetland platypus-bodied ducks in the desert" experiment the Australian government took the duck-billed platypus and placed it in one of it's national wetland reserves.

And that's as happy an ending as anyone can expect in Australia. A crazy zoologist didn't abandon you in the desert. Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi! Oi! Oi!


Z. A. Aycock

Millions of republicans asphyxiate after Obama endorses oxygen

Terrorist?

Charlotte - By now I'm sure there's no detail I could report that the reader isn't already aware of, so consider this to be more of a historical record than a news article.

Earlier today millions of Americans lost parents, grandparents, weird uncles and dick brothers when almost all republicans died of self induced asphyxia. As you already know it happened after Barack Obama publicly claimed the following,


" The respiratory system is used to deliver oxygen, which is essential to human life, to the blood stream. I love oxygen!"


It took mere seconds for the conservative backlash to begin. Hundreds of conservative websites spoke out against the gas and it's "liberal favoritism". In less than one minute there were over three million articles, pro and anti oxygen, posted on the internet.


By 12:00 pm the tea-party express founded the "End our reliance on O" Facebook group. Within the hour there were 2,000,000 likes, then there were 1,000,00, likes, then 800 likes. By the time the liking had ended, the stark realization of what had happened began.


The most memorable incident today was probably When Bill O'Reillys spoke with Sarah Palin on his special, "What's Oxygen Really Doing To America" special. The following is a transcript of that interview,


O'Reilly: Let me list off all of the people who have used this "oxygen" stuff. Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Bill Ayers, Fidel Castro, Charles Manson, Common, Osama Bin Laden. I mean, what else do you need?


Palin: Absolutely Bill. I think the American people are really concerned with the company the president keeps.

O'Reilly: Now to be fare, all complex life on Earth needs oxygen to survive, but I think it's important that conservatives, both voter and politician, say no more! In fact as of this moment, I'm quitting it. I'm done using this radicle, liberal gas that..... for years has been.... keeping....... conservatives at.......... bay.


Palin: I'm stopping too. To be honest I never really used that much..... but if it's....... what the American.... people......... want.


O'reilly: .....Exact......ly.


Palin: ....... yeah.......


O'reilly: ............


Palin: ...........


After this broadcast, Fox News viewership sunk to it's lowest in history, losing 98% of it's audience, leaving only the liberals who occasionally switch to the network to watch in disbelief.


Hollywood is, like the rest of the country, reeling after the loss of Craig T. Nelson, The Rock and Bruce Willis. John Voight and one of Baldwins also died but who gives a shit. Jay Leno is expected to be the hardest hit by todays events after losing his key audience, old republicans who don't think he's funny but like that he's lame like them.


This has to be, without a doubt, the saddest day in our nations history. In the future  children will only know of Republican Party through the stories that we tell them. That and the half-decade of footage amassed by fox news.


Though this author is sad, it helps to think that right now our grand old friends are in heaven. A republican heaven.  Where they're building a border fence around Mexican heaven with 1980's Ronald Reagan and White Jesus, singing shitty soft rock the whole day through.

Goodbye Republicans. Thanksgiving just won't be as racist without you.


UPDATE: Gay marriage legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Pot legal everywhere.

UPDATE: Prostitution, heroin, cocaine, LSD legal in Nevada.

UPDATE: Larry the Cable Guy quits "comedy" after showing up to six empty shows.





Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: The Lovely Bones

The Lovely Bones is about Suzy Salmon,  a teenage girl who, after being raped and murdered, watches from her personal Heaven as her family and friends struggle to move on with their lives while she comes to terms with her own death. The book's author, Alice Sebold, has been lauded for being able to juggle a very diverse mix of genres writting this book. It's a period novel, that switches from family drama to religious fantasy and finally to provocative crime novel.

Now, I didn't read this book, namely because rape makes me uncomfortable. I believe when the movie came out, they left that scene out, the first good decision Peter Jackson's made since 2003.

Now lets talk about the readers ability to identify with a novels protagonist. I am a black man who wasn't alive in the seventies, has never been raped and murdered and hasn't gone on any gay adventure through a faggy heaven, and Suzy Salmon is literally the opposite of that. I have no problem with reading about people unlike me, but when someone is literally everything I am not, well come on.... come on.

Oh and that name, Suzy Salmon? That neighbor of hers did her a favor ( I don't mean that).

This weeks book, unlike most of the other books I've been asked to review, offers a rare shortcut for a book reviewer. THEY MADE A MOVIE!!! A movie I wouldn't watch if it were being projected on Victoria Beckhams tits. Mark Whalberg as a dad, no thanks. Stanley Tucci with a pedophile mustache, no thanks. Rachael Weisz, no thanks.

And the girl in it, Soairse Ronan, I don't like the way she makes me feel. Makes me feel Tucci.

So yeah, fuck this sentimental horse shit. 1 star (trying out a rating system. see if I like it).

I'm also trying another new thing this week. I'm actually going to tell the people at Inquisitive Online a book I'm interested in reviewing. Next week I'd like to review literally any book that doesn't have a teenage girl getting raped and murdered in the first one hundred pages are you out of your goddamned minds you lunatics.

Peace faggots.


T. C. Beverly

Disturbing Find On Anna Harrison's Wikipedia Page

It's true that Wikipedia is edited by it's users, but not all editors are created equal. There is the casual editor who may feel the need to ad a paragraph or sentence, and the their are the hardcore Wiki enthusiasts. Foragers of information who spend alot of free time scouring the internet for info to ad to articles. Louis Lloyd Thoreau is one of these enthusiasts, well, was one of these enthusiasts.

A week ago Nancy Pickwell, a 6th grade student from Nebraska, was working on her "Women Of History" project.

" It's sucked because there are about three women in history who are honestly interesting, and then everything else is a stretch. Well there are twenty kids in my class and those three got picked pretty fast. Everyone else had to choose from wives of interesting people or Kardashians. I got Anna Harrison." Said Nancy Pickwell.

Anna Harrison was the wife of our ninth president William Henry Harrison. The president himself is an obscure enough figure, and his wife is even more so.

While reading Anna Harrison's Wikipedia page, looking for anything remotely interesting, she came across something that actually was. No, it had nothing to do with Mrs. Harrison, It had to do with Louis Lloyd Thoreau.

Louis had been trying to scratch that contributor itch and wound up scratching the bottom of the barrel. When it finally came to adding facts to William Henry Harrison's wife's wikipedia page, Louis couldn't help but take a look at his own life. He had a nervous breakdown.

" When she was thirteen years old, Anna went with her father and stepmother into the Ohio wilderness, the wilderness may sound pretty bad, but living in a two story in South London with two parents who don't understand you can suck too."

The article is filled with these brief insights into Louis' life.

" William's service in Congress as territorial delegate from Ohio gave Anna and their children a chance to visit his family at Berkeley, funny, my sister lives in a flat three blocks away from me and I haven't seen her in three years. Bitch."

The final sentence, in the later life and death part of the article, reads...

" She passed away on February 25th, 1864. But you don't care, because there is no you. No one is ever going to read this article."

When alerted of these disturbing writings wikipedia decided to check in on Mr. Thoreau, but sadly, it was too late. Louis Lloyd Thoreau died of a heart attack. Anti-climactic right? You though he had committed suicide.
Wikipedia honored Thoreau with his very own Wikipedia article. Wow, wonder how they arranged that. They really went out of their way to honor the man. Real nice wikipedia.

Update: The person writing the article about Louis Lloyd Thoreau killed themselves, leaving behind a note that said only, " I'm writing an article about the guy who wrote an article about Anna Harrison. WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE!!!"


Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: American Gods

EDITORS NOTE: A little over a week ago I sent T. C. Beverly Neil Gaiman's acclaimed fantasy novel, American Gods. A book I chose after a long, painstaking search through amazons market of over 950,000 books, in hopes that I would finally choose a book Mr. Beverly would read. Today when I asked for his review of the book Mr. Beverly sent me an e-mail with the following picture attached, and it will have to serve as your review this week. I am very disappointed Mr. Beverly.

Satanists, Socialists and Communists May Not Vote Republican In 2012 Election

It's a given that certain groups of people probably won't vote for certain political parties. Black people tend to vote democrat, southerners tend vote republican and hippies tend to throw away their vote on Ralph Nader (he's never going to be elected you smelly obstructionists).

But this doesn't mean that political parties will completely give up on the groups less likely to vote for them. The Center for Conservative Victory held a study of certain constituency not likely to vote for the 2012 republican candidate and found some very disturbing news.

"Only 1 in 10 socialists, communists or Satan worshipers is going to vote republican. And it may be too late to turn those groups around."

Indeed. The groups reluctance to vote conservative may have to do with several comments made by all conservatives, dating back to always.

Inquisitive online interview a Satanist who had this to say...

"They keep thinking satanists are the same as atheists. We really don't like being mistaken with a group hated by so many many Americans."

We also reached out to a socialist who said....

" Well, Republicans keep saying Obama is one of us, so we might as well stick with him."

As you may have guessed, we also tracked down a communist who was quoted saying...

" I am tempted to vote for the party with red as its color, plus I'm extremely homophobic and so are they, but I just can't get past all of that McCarthy stuff. It's as though Republicans just flat out don't like communists. Even today!"

No word yet on whether or not the Center for Conservative Victory will be launching any campaigns to win back the reluctant groups, but one thing's for sure, that socialists answer sure was stupid.



Z. A. Aycock