Detroits New "Frown Fine" Is Sure To Make It's Citizens Privately Unhappy

FINE THAT MAN!!!!

. DETROIT - Today Detroits mayor David Bing enacted a bill passed last week by the Detroit City Council. With all nine members voting yes on the bill you'd think it was a popular piece of legislation with overwhelming support from the cities residents. It is not. 

The bill is titled " The Morale Obstruction Fine", more commonly known as the "The Frown Fine". It gives the city of Detroit the ability to fine any person within city limits who isn't smiling , laughing with joy over their current position in life or giving a big thumbs up. 

 We spoke with Darrel Seigfried, a local government enthusiast who's been following city council legislation for two decades. He had this to say. 

" Finally this hobby has paid off!!!! Twenty-three fucking years and not a single publication has asked me a fucking question and now look who's in the hot seat. Wonder what the press office for the Lions is up to today? I'll tell you what they're not doing anymore, thinking they're better than me. And now onto the topic of this new fine.  

Those of us who have been following local government here in Detroit knew something like this was coming. The more the people in charge have done the deeper into it's hole Detroit has gone. It was only a matter of time before they did something drastic like this". 

The bill claims to solve two problems at once. The city is deep in debt so enacting a fine for something so commonly used as a frown will bring in alot of money. The city also has a large problem with morale and high suicide rate.  

I know as a reporter I'm supposed to refrain from expressing personal opinions within my own news report, but I think this new rule is fantastic. Today I drove past a ten year old boys funeral and seeing his family laugh and smile over his dead body for fear of legal repercussion from the city really livened up the occasion. Seeing Detroits 18,000 homeless laugh and smile the day away really reminds one of the cheery, likable hobo you used to see in early Disney cartoons. Whatever happened to that? 

And just before returning to my hotel to write this article I was mugged by what was literally the nicest man I've ever met. His smile worked the money from my pocket much more effectively that his switch blade. 

So there you have it. Detroits real problem wasn't seventy percent of it's industry leaving it within a single ten year period, it was it's negative population. The people were just being dicks. But city government has fixed that and undoubtedly saved the city. Is there anything local government isn't effective at? I'm fucking serious answer that question. 

UPDATE: Detroits Mayor has found another way to raise money by officially changing his name to David Sponsored By Bing.   

Z. A. Aycock 

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: Zombie Spaceship Wasteland by Patton Oswalt

This week I've been asked to review Zombie Spaceship Wasteland by comedian Patton Oswalt. The comedic prowess Patton Oswalt displays on stage is just as powerful in written word. This has been well known for years as Mr. Oswalt has written dozens of articles online, for various sites. Each of the articles have been popular, and funny. But the transition from twelve paragraph, guest articles online to this 208 page semi biographical book could prove to be a bit of a challenge for Oswalt.

I'll never know, cause I have no plans on reading this pamphlet ( you want me to call it a book you make it longer than 208 pages).

I like Patton Oswalt, but why can't he stick to stand-up? Did he really need to be in book form? I Don't think so. The day I pay too much money just to chuckle at a semi humorous, 8 hour long work of unnecessary entertainment is the day I see Larry the cable guy live.

I've never read a book written by a comedian. I've never seen an Author do stand-up comedy. I expect Patton Oswalt to be as good at writing as J. D. Salinger would be at making a crowd of drunks and hipsters laugh. Although the idea of a George Orwell ventriloquist act excites me to no end. Ooh, or "The night of a million impressions" with H. P  Lovecraft.

And can someone please explain to me why Patton Oswalt can write a book while simultaneously writting a completely different hour of stand-up comedy every year, but Carlos Mencia has to steal the ten minutes of hack comedy he's been doing since 1992? Why be a comedian if you suck that bad?

I'd like to read a Carlos Mencia book. I think it would be called Hola, A Tale Of Two Mexican Cities Essay. It's basically just A Tale Of Two Cities word for word except the protagonists name is Jose.

The cover of Zombie Spaceship Wasteland looks like a check list for all three topics. When the book arrived I grabbed a pin, checked all the boxes and wrote above "shit I don't want to read about". Ok, I didn't really do that. I threw it away as soon as I saw what it was.

I'm pretty sure my garbage man is reading all of the Reviewsday books I've been throwing away. When I brought in the trash bin  yesterday there was a note pined to it that said...

Alright. But can you pick up some more young adult stuff? You know, something a thirteen year old girl tied to a pipe in a wooden shack might want to read in between soul cleansings. 

So there you have it Inquisitive Online. Send some young adult stuff a thirteen year old girl tied to a pipe in a wooden shack might want to read in between soul cleansings. Oh, and also a shitload of police.

I think we're done here. But let me remind you that October is Pre-Pushkin poetic Literature Month. So whip out your Ushanka's, bake some Okranshka  and snuggle up with your favorite Pre-Pushkin poetry. Like I had to tell you.


T. C. Beverly

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: A Million Little Pieces

A Million Little Pieces was billed as the autobiography of author James Fray. For the three years it served a his  autobiography it was a critical smash hit. The book itself contains stories of drug addiction, police brutality and of course redemption after entering into a twelve-step program for drug and alcohol abuse. For three years it was a New York Times best-seller. James Fray even got to meet Oprah, who claimed to have been inspired by the story. The only problem is, none of it was true. Though this may no longer useful as a historical account, meant to inspire and change lives, A Million Little Pieces is a fascinating look behind the mind of a liar and the not so dependable vetting process of major publishing companies, in this case Random House.

I know what you're thinking. Is Inquisitive Online so lame that they would send me an eight year old book that served as a mild controversy five years ago? Yes. But they didn't choose to send it to me, I asked to review A Million Little Pieces.

Not so I could read it ( I didn't) but so I could talk about fake shit, and peoples problem with it. Fucking hypocrites. If this book were tits or an orgasm America would be totally fine with it's supposed lack of authenticity.

My thing is, I am absolutely not ok with lying. Not a good quality because a man is only as good as his word. Maybe i only say this because I'm really bad at it. I get all sweaty and shaky and I feel like puking. My body just rejects the option of lying about things. So I'm not a fan of other folks doing it.

However, if you are going to do it, at least have it be worthwhile. This IS a book after all. So not everyone expects everything in it to be true. It's as if it were entertainment media.

I never understood why people feel the need to call out things being fake on television or in books. Like people who say,

"Reality tv isn't reality"

Guess what, you're right! Shuks! Because guess what? No one wants to watch a show about how your wife secretly hates you and regrets your children. Bottom line. They wanna see Bo and Luke duke get stuck in a ditch while under the pursuit of boss hog, or whatever is relevant on tv now a days.

One thing for me, I'm a fan of professional wrestling. No one else has to be, but I am. Shouldn't say anything about my intelligence or who I am as a person, because I choose to be entertained by a certain product. Same goes for, believe it or not, guilty pleasure Jersey Shore. If you haven't given the show a chance, you just dislike it based on hearsay, chances are you're part of the problem. You're the ones that take life and reality too seriously, yet have the nerve to complain about reality tv.

Some programing, or honestly all of it, doesn't deserve to be and shouldn't be taken seriously, i.e a Jersey Shore. You just watch the antics and think, "theres no way they're serious!" I'll spare details and examples of excerpts from the show, but it is entertainment. And its working for someone because its still on. as long as there are ratings, and someone is entertained, its sticking. Unfortunately, I suppose. The point is it's entertainment. It's artistic expression. so who are we to say what is and isn't good. If it produces well, so be it. If it doesn't, maybe the people aren't ready for it.

 And as far as wrestling goes, it entertains me. I'm not asking it to entertain anyone else as long as it entertains me, and those who appreciate it too, leave us to our fun source. You don't need to throw around the proven history that there is an aspect of it that is fake. Spoiler alert, and this is where i bring my point back to home plate: THE MAJORITY OF ENTERTAINMENT IS FAKE! IF YOU THINK ANYTHING STEPHANIE MEYERS WRITES IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY, I HOPE YOU DEVELOP FELINE AIDS! Fuck me, that's two articles in a row I've mentioned that bitch.

So don't TELL me about how a headlock is useless, Ross and Rachael didn't really get married. Don't TELL me about how someone writes the script for those wrestlers. Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt didn't really have a baby at the end of Mad About You.

Let me have my entertainment, and I'll let you have yours. If my entertainment involves strangers in underwear lying to me, so be it. I'm alot like plenty of teen moms in America in that sense.

 On that note, going back to the book, it was labeled to be true, yes, he did outright lie, however, it's literature.

The biggest issue Oprah had was looking like a fool on national television. It's when you people are fooled is when it's not ok to do the fooling. Once you're the goat suddenly its wrong, and it's hypocritical and ridiculous. Lets focus on the bigger issues. Plenty have lied for much worse and gotten off scott free, if not rewarded in some way.

I know we can say, we rewarded him by making him a best seller for 3 years, but really, its us...well, you guys, because I didn't buy it, but it's you guys being punished, somewhat for being gullible. However, its the most positive punishment ever because at the end of the day, were you not entertained by the book? Whether its lies or not, you're interesting in the story (I assume).

Hell, they got the attention of Oprah F. Winfrey (the F is for fuckin'). There must be SOMETHING there. Not saying all the books in that stupid hen house she calls a book club are all gold, but she's got a big enough name to gain real recognition.

And one last note, I will say, way to get caught though, guy. Seriously? There's a saying (I think it's a saying. If it's not, trademark me),

"you don't get a ticket for speeding, you get a ticket for pulling over."

 Just saying. Whether you give yourself in or not... rookie mistake. ..... So yeah, I'm done here. And that's the truth.


T. C. Beverly

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: World War Z

Max Brooks follows up his semi-successful zombie book, The Zombie Survival Guide, with the massive hit, World War Z. Brooks opts for a first person narrative in this book, making the writing much more fluid and natural than the previous book. It is worth mentioning that Max Brooks is son of comedy legend Mel Brooks, the influence can be felt in Max's constant poke at society through ludacris situational comedy. The book sales have been on a steady rise since the film adaptation, made by Brad Pitts film company and staring Pitt, has been closer and closer to release.

I don't know where to start. Ok, lets get the fact that I haven't read the book out of the way. But where do I go from there? Do I talk about this spoiled rich boy getting a book deal because of his last name or do I talk about this dumbass zombie craze?

Can I just say that a zombie outbreak is not a world destroying problem. They move two miles an hour, they're already falling apart and they can't open doors. What's the problem here? Here's how a real zombie apocalypse goes.

" OH NO THERE'S A ZOMBIE!!!! There, I killed it. Now the world isn't going to end."

THAT'S ALL THAT HAS TO HAPPEN!!!!!

And maybe I'm being unfair about how Richie Rich here got a book deal. I'll be honest, his pitch about zombies may have gotten him somewhere because people apparently love hearing about the same bullshit over and over again depending how dumb it is. For example. There is a Chuck Norris fact book.

"He once kicked a horse in the jaw and its ancestors are known as giraffes."

THAT IS A BOOK!.....FILLED WITH THAT BULLSHIT!

And don't get me started on Harry Potter. By the way, male witches aren't wizards or sorcerers, they're called faggots. Hey, I'm a boy in a dress with a wand, with another dude and a girl. I think it may have been about timing, which is why things take off in the first place.

Harry, Hermoine and Ron became popular around the same time as Ash, Brock and Misty, only difference is, THE PUBLIC CHOSE TO KEEP THE GAYER OF THE TWO! How are we the nation freaking out over gays being in the army and the nation that paid over  $379,245,610 to see gay as hell Harry Potter 8?

By the way, I can tell you from personal experience, no homo, there have been gays in the military for  a long time. I won't discuss if it's a choice or not, but I'm pretty sure in a macho, testosterone filled environment like basic training you'd try to hide it. Some cats seem incapable of that. Just saying. One "eww" away from doing sit ups into someones butt...on purpose.

LEMME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU! Magic is lame, little Japanese monsters being carried around in balls in your pocket is awesome.

If it's not, its cooler than that Muslim Jihad shit that wizards yell to make apples disappear or whatever the fuck magic is actually used for. And why are they not looked at as the enemy for that? Imagine THAT headline: "Harry potter arrested for initial 9/11 corroboration/conspiracy".

Yo aycock, I'm working your section AND mine. I'd ask for double pay but....I'm almost on another tangent. ...whatever happened to genies? That's the closest thing I need to magic. Not some boy mumbling dumb shit. ...I digress( and vampires, don't even get me started). I've learned that America, and honestly, the world as a whole has a taste for the bottom....which is why my articles are acceptable.

If it weren't for bad taste, we'd have no taste at all.

World War Z may not be that bad....maybe it is, I don't know. Doesn't peak my interest but apparently the world likes dumb shit. However, if its dumb on a genius level, Snakes On a Plane, no appreciation. .... I can go on forever. Read it, don't read it, I gives a fuck. Point is, max brooks is a guy working his hustle and I'd do the same, dammit. I'm done.

...got me up here summarizing and suggesting books like I'm Levar Burton or some shit. Wrong black guy, asshole.

5000.

T. C. Beverly

Marcus Bachmann Raped For The 127th Time In Same Hotel Room, By The Same Puerto Rican Man.

Police Sketch of Suspect

Minnesota - Today Inquisitive Online got a familiar E-mail from the Washington County Sheriff  Department who got a familiar dispatch from Lake Elmo 9-1-1 who got a familiar call from hotel clerk Rishiid Peran. I'm sure you know what I'm Talking about by now.

That's right. For the 127th time, Dr. Marcus L. Bachmann has been raped in room 12B of the Lake Elmo Holiday Inn.

It seems that not even Holiday Inns are safe anymore.  Once again the middle aged Puerto Rican serial rapist, responsible for assaulting Mr. Bachmann 126 other times, the first dating all the way back to Marcus' first year in college, has done it again. Unbelievable. I can not believe it.

Fed up with Washington County Police Departments inability to catch the monster who has hurt him time and time again, Marcus Bachmann sat down with me and gave an exhausting description of the perpetrator in hopes that one of our reader could help.

I met with Dr. Bachmann at his home in Stillwater, MN. The man I saw was much different from the saucy, sassy and dare I say electric Marcus Bachmann we're used to seeing saunter around America with his wife Michelle. This Marcus Bachmann was saucy, sassy and yes I dare say it again, electric, but sitting down. Wrapped in a blanket and still recovering from number 127.

Still the perfect gentlemen, Marcus offered a BJ ( black jalapeno ), some HJ ( hot jambalaya) and a frottage ( ? ). We got straight to business as he described his attacker. The following Is Mr. Bachmann's exact, in depth description. Take it away Marcus.

"My attacker is about twenty-two even though he swears he's forty-five. Yeah right.

He's Puerto Rican, but not in a scary way. He's got a non-scary Puerto Rican face, Greek biceps, Chilean chest muscles, Argentinean abs, a Bolivian Buttock and frisky Hispanic hands.

He's 6 foot 2 inches of pure muscular terror. He would look good with a mustache but won't grow one because HE'S STUBBORN! I may or may not have heard him mention a shitty wife who doesn't appreciate him or love him the way she should be loved.

He's got brown eyes, brown hair and brown skin. He looks like a chocolate sculpture of Paul Walker. Meanwhile look at me. I look like a white chocolate sculpture of Angela Merkel."

He kind of Does.

"Listen, I just want this man brought to justice. I want to be able to go to that hotel room at the two in the afternoon on a Tuesday by myself without having  a mad man force hot, passionate, ground shaking rape on me. Is this too much to ask?"

I don't think it is Mr. Bachmann. I want to live in a country where all hotels are rape free. But sadly that's not the country we live in. Thanks alot Obama-care.


UPDATE: John Travolta assaulted by same Puerto Rican man. Marcus Bachmann furious.



Z. A. Aycock

T. C. Beverly's Literary Reviewsday: In my time: A Personal and Political Memoir by Dick Cheney

Just a year after George W. Bush released his memoir Decision Points, Cheney has released his memoir In My Time. The book is filled with alot of the same stories, but from a much less apologetic standpoint. Cheney has long been a controversial figure, and this book was just the catalyst the media has been waiting for to fully flesh out the controversy. It seems like the books mission isn't to inform the reader, but rather to evoke an emotion from the reader, whether it be bad or good.

"Good work". Apparently you saw that I listed Cheney as one of my heroes on Facebook. I actually read the book this time, thus a testament to the fact that I appreciate the thought and your efforts.

Cheney is one of my heroes, but it has nothing to do with his policies or political views. He's my hero because he makes hippies really, really mad.

This guy makes hacky-sackers angrier than a storm drain in the middle of a community college parking lot. He's more of a "downer" to the flower children than being epileptic at a Jefferson Airplane laser light show. For eight years he was the cause of all frowns in San Francisco.

Now all the frowns in San Francisco are caused by Sean Penn and his attempts to bring back the "Human Be-in Festival". Even those smelly bastards were like, "Listen rain man....dial it down a little."

Since I was a teen, making hippies unhappy has been a hobby of mine. I've stolen the bike racks from every Whole Foods I've ever lived near. I've handed out regular brownies at Phish concert. My greatest feat to date was getting a vegan girl pregnant and then guilting her into keeping it.  (NOTE: remember to remove this sentence before posting.)

 Hippies have been on my hitlist since I was a child. When I went to my baby sitter's house her older, hippy sister, who thought I was a "cool lil' dude", would come over and try to high-five me. But I would reject her high fives, even at the tender age of 4. If you try to touch me and you smell like beans, I'm going to ignore you. If you persist, you would be lucky if I don't punch you square in the face. After all of her high-fives attempts she would force an embrace on me, where my face was constantly scratched by her fat stubbly walrus like arms and orangutan arm pits.

In any case, In My Time is a suggested read from me. If you don't want to read it for the hippy hate(because you love PBR/sucking buttholes), surely you can look to find plenty of hate and other hilarity in Mr. Cheney's audacity to write an actual book. Seriously!? Honestly, that's all i was going to post for this article was the words "really!? ...Serious? He has a boo....What!? Who would.....WHY would......REEEEALLLY!?". But I do suggest it. Live, learn, laugh, hate hippies.



T. C. Beverly

Scientist Discovers Platypus-Bodied Duck

Terrorist?

There are some very strange creatures on this planet of ours. Like Lions. But lions are only the tip of the oddball iceberg that is our animal kingdom.  Like, have you noticed that bears, dogs and seals all have the same face? What's going on there. They're like the Javier Bardem / Jeffery Dean Morgan's of nature.

Well as of today nature strikes again. Last week Zoologist, Dr. Jeffery Helbig, was on an expedition in Australia. He was studying the effect of "placing dry land lizards into wetland areas" or as other scientists have called it, drowning lizards. While he was drowning those lizards he made an amazing find.

Dr. Helbig has discovered a new species of duck with a black bill, water resistant fur and a platypus body. He's taken to calling the animal a " Platypus-bodied Duck". He says he chose the name because he doesn't like it when people are able to say the names of animals three times fast.

"I was working with my lizards" says Dr. Helbig, "when all of the sudden one of the ducks emerged from the water. It scared the shit out of the desert lizards and one of them almost drowned early. "

Dr. Helbig says aside from it's body the platypus-bodied duck is just like every other duck. It lays eggs, spends most of it's day in the water and looks adorable in a blue sailors uniform. But when placed amongst other ducks, the other ducks don't react well. It's sort of an ugly duckling situation. Goddamn racist ducks.

Dr. Helbig later tried an experiment where he had the platypus-bodied duck raise a Buffleheaded duckling. But instead of raising the duckling it immediately smothered it under it's own weight. Dr. Helbig also found that platypus-bodied ducks will eat desert lizards.

Luckily, before Dr. Helbig could begin his "effects on placing wetland platypus-bodied ducks in the desert" experiment the Australian government took the duck-billed platypus and placed it in one of it's national wetland reserves.

And that's as happy an ending as anyone can expect in Australia. A crazy zoologist didn't abandon you in the desert. Aussie Aussie Aussie!!! Oi! Oi! Oi!


Z. A. Aycock